Before the world fell at our feet
by liviafan1
Summary: On the brink of divorce nearly two years following the events of 8x01, Beckett uproots her life in New York to move to Los Angeles, where Castle lives now, to try to repair what she broke. Season 8 AU.
1. Chapter 1

His hand is cracked with the cuts of the harsh New York winter. He flexes his hands in his pockets and the sting almost feels good - familiar. The thin jacket isn't enough to keep the chill from sinking into his bones, but he doesn't care. He doesn't plan on being here long at all. His flight leaves tomorrow night and there's nothing she can say that will change that.

He's got an hour to kill and he considers swinging by the precinct to bump fists with Ryan and Esposito, but he doesn't know her schedule anymore and his stomach roils at the thought of seeing her there, immersed in their old habitat with no touch of him to be found anywhere.

He decides to go to the coffee shop early and wait for her. The shop is brand new, an unfamiliar place he's never stepped foot in. He imagines she chose it for a reason - to make the whole thing easier for the both of them. But the rich aroma does nothing to ease the ache in his chest when he steps through the door.

She's already there. His breath catches sharp in his throat and he wheezes, clutching the sides of the doorway. He thanks God she can't see him, the line of her back straight as a board as she sits in a booth against the left wall, absentmindedly stirring a packet of sweetener into her tea. Despite her stiff posture, she's never looked so small to him.

Her hair is longer and darker now - a rich mocha brown that he already knows brings out the flecks in her eyes -

Jesus Christ. Is this what it feels like to die?

A patron knocks into him on her way out and he hastily apologizes, startled to realize he's still paralyzed in his spot in the doorway.

He's not ready. Maybe he can pull up a stool at the coffee counter, steady his nerves with a cup of coffee before he slides into the seat across from her. Just a little more time, that's all he needs. Just -

"Richard Castle?"

Fuck.

The young woman shrieks in recognition, her painted fingers pressed against her cheeks in delight. She stumbles out of her chair, knocking over a glass of juice in her haste to get to him. She blushes, smothers the mess with a few napkins before she collects herself to greet him.

The commotion is enough that everyone within a hundred feet has their eyes on him.

 _Fuck_.

"I'm your biggest fan," the woman says breathlessly, brushing her blond hair out of her eyes. She grins up at him.

He pastes a thin smile on his face. "Always nice to meet a fan." Politely, he adds, "What's your name?"

"Bethany."

"It's a pleasure, Bethany. I'm meeting someone here, so I can't chat, but - "

She doesn't miss a beat. "Oh, sure, sure. Just a quick autograph then?"

Well, she's certainly one of the most gracious fans he's ever met. He almost feels bad for not engaging her more. Any other time and he'd — well, no, actually he probably wouldn't. Not anymore."Of course."

Her eyes light up. "Great!" He winces as she pulls his latest work from the haven of her large purse. He pats his pockets in search of a pen and brandishes one easily, slipping the cap off before quickly scribbling a few kind words on the cover page.

"Thanks so much," she gushes, clutching the book into her chest.

"Anytime. Have a nice day, Bethany." He smiles, attempting a little more oomph.

"You too!" she breathes, scampering past him.

And then he's frozen again, only this time because he knows without taking a glance that her eyes are on him right now.

His hands ache now. Why didn't he bring a heavier coat?

His phone buzzes in his pocket. He fishes it out.

He swallows hard. It's her.

 _Beckett: Take your time. I'm not going anywhere._

It's been eighteen months, but okay. She's not going anywhere, but where the hell has she been?

He grips the phone tight in his fist. It buzzes again.

 _Beckett: I'm aware of the hypocrisy in my statement, Castle._

He hates her.

Buzz.

 _Beckett: I hate me too._

This is getting ridiculous. He turns down the vibration and pockets his phone again and glances up at her. But she's not looking at him anymore. She's hunched over her tea now, a break in the line of her spine.

It's time.

He sucks in a breath and forces his feet to move toward her. The trip is endless and his feet traipse on tirelessly, but he doesn't seem to get any closer, so many miles still between them.

His hands hurt. He misses the press of his wedding band around his finger.

Finally. He stops before her and she can sense his presence — he knows by the way her fingers curl tightly over her mug, the scrape of paint and ceramic under her fingernails. Her scent dizzies him and he has to steady himself against the onslaught that rushes him — nuzzling her neck as she moans beneath him ( _Castle),_ stolen kisses in empty break rooms, engulfing hugs after horrific cases — all of it, it's her. Sweet vanilla, bitey tangy cherries.

 _Kate._

His eyes slam shut. Fuck, he can't do this.

"It's still creepy you know," she rasps.

He opens his eyes on a shudder that claws at his throat, shortening his breath, speeding the metronome in his chest. He fumbles a little, blur tingeing the edges of his vision. He collapses gracelessly into the booth in front of her.

And then his vision has never been more clear and he can't decide what to zero in on first — the cutting lines of her frame that's thinner than ever, the cracks in her weathered hands that rival his, or the dullness of her murky brown eyes.

He was wrong. He can't find those flecks anymore. The woman in front of him is barely recognizable.

She shivers, her long fingers reaching up to tug at the scarf draped around her neck —

He swallows hard. _His_ scarf. One of the many winter items he'd donated to charity.

Or rather, thought he donated to charity.

"Found it in the back of my closet," she explains flatly.

"Right." He wonders if it still smells like him.

She nods slowly, as if it takes every ounce of energy to do so. _Are you sick_ , he wants to ask. _Have you been skipping meals again?_

"Do you want a coffee? My tea's cold," she says, tapping her finger against the porcelain cup.

"I could go for one," he says softly. Her tea's cold? "How long have you been sitting here?"

"Half an hour." She pauses, dropping her hands into her lap. "Wasn't sure how long it would take me to get here."

Castle furrows his brow in confusion. It could only be 25 minutes from the precinct, tops. "Traffic's been bad?"

Desolation flicks through her gaze for a moment before shuttering itself away again. "No." She tears her gaze away from him then and fishes out a small wad of ones from her back pocket. It's when she slides out her seat that he figures out why she looks so small to him - she's got flats on.

Chucks, actually. He hasn't seen her in those in years.

He fiddles with the sugar packets until she returns with their drinks and a pastry bag tucked under her arm. She gently tosses it onto the table. "Snagged us a couple of muffins. Wasn't sure if you'd eaten."

If anyone hasn't eaten it's _her_ not him, but he keeps his mouth shut, nods a thanks instead. He watches her curl her fingers around her mug, steeping her tea bag with her free hand.

"You give up coffee?" he asks, trying to keep his voice light.

Her head snaps up and yeah - there was a crack in his voice. "No, God no," she says quickly. "Just haven't been sleeping well lately — "

"Or eating," he murmurs.

"Excuse me?" she asks sharply.

He sighs, scrubbing a hand down his face. "Nothing."

Pursing her lips, she snatches up a couple of packets of sweetener and flicks them with her fingers before pouring the contents into her tea. Despite her current beverage of choice, it's the first time in ten minutes that she's resembled the woman he married.

"How's LA?" she asks him.

"Warm."

"Where are you living?"

He sighs. "Pacific Palisades."

She nods slowly. "That's a nice area."

"Yeah. It is."

It's silent as she takes a long sip of her tea. She winces and he imagines it's still scalding, licking a hot path down the back of her throat. She sets her mug down a little uneasily, hands trembling. "Why'd you come, Castle?"

"You apparently stopped listening when you hear the word 'no'."

"Yeah, well, I got tired of hearing it for the last six months."

He slams his fist down on the table. "Are you fucking kidding me right now?" She startles and he feels the heat of a dozen pairs of eyes on them.

He pastes on his charming smile and helplessly shrugs at the patrons. "Oops, sorry. Just writing a scene for my next book."

He turns back to her. "You made your decision a year and a half ago, Kate, when you walked out of our home together. I'm supposed to come running back the minute you give the all-clear?" he grates out.

"No. I have more respect for you than that," she says firmly.

He laughs humorlessly. "Got a funny way of showing it."

She lets out a breath, leans in close. "What do you want me to say, huh? That I'm _sorry?_ That every night I lay in my bed without you next to me and wonder how the hell I'm going to get up in the morning? That I wonder how in God's name I ended up here _again,_ dismantling you _again,_ screwing everything up _again?_ " She shakes her head. "I could tell you all those things but it won't make a goddamn difference. Because how in the hell could it?" She shoves back against the seat and the fire dies from her gaze.

"You're right. Your words are shot to hell now."

"So why now, Castle? Why show up here now?"

But she knows. She's been sitting on it the entire time she's been in the cafe.

Literally.

"You know why," he says quietly.

Her eyes settle on his - bright and thick with unshed tears, a well he could get lost in, trying to claw his way out. She shifts, reaches underneath her seat and tosses the thick manila folder onto the table. It's loud, so very loud, and he swears the entire room can feel the weight of the contents bearing down upon their shoulders.

The cement just won't stop pouring.

"I guess now we know just how far 'for better or worse' really goes, don't we?" she scrapes out.

" _You walked away from me._ "

Tears spill down her face and she looks smaller than ever. "I always intended to come back," she whispers.

He swallows hard. "That's not how it works. You can't just waltz in and out of our marriage as it pleases you."

"That's not fair," her voice breaks. "Those people - "

"What happened to them is _awful_. I know it is. And I know you feel like it's your fault because of everything that happened with your mother. But this has been unraveling for almost 20 years now. What makes you think the spool is gonna stop anytime soon?"

"I don't. It just keeps going and going, Castle. And every time I inch closer, I make another sacrifice. Those sacrifices aren't worth it anymore."

He scoffs. "But they were before?"

She swipes the back of her hand across her cheeks. "They were when I thought I could hold onto you from a distance."

"With some half-assed explanation of needing space, you mean."

She sniffs. "I'm not asking you to move back and pretend like nothing's changed. Too much has happened for me to ask that of you."

"What do you want, Kate?"

She taps the folder. "I'm asking you to sit on these for a while longer."

"Time isn't going to make a difference. I'm not going to wake up one morning and decide to move back to New York and forgive you."

"I know that, Castle." She swallows hard. "Which is why I'm moving to Los Angeles."

"I'm sorry. You - _what?_ " he splutters.

"The decision's already been made. I'm putting in a transfer with LAPD's Vice unit. If everything goes to plan, I'll be starting four months from now."

Castle's mouth goes dry. "You're leaving homicide?" Her face blanches a little and his fingers twitch, itching to reach over and link her fingers in his, despite everything. The job has been part of her for so long and he can't imagine how she's feeling knowing it'll end soon.

"I did what I always promised myself I would," she rasps. "I got justice for her, for so many others." She pauses. "But I lost you, when I swore to myself that I would never let that happen."

"Kate - "

She shakes her head. "No, Rick. Even if this has already fallen apart - even if this is _done_ , I still have to do this. For _me_. No matter what happens between you and I, this chapter of my life is closed."

"I don't know what to say."

"Look, I'll have the job and I'll be settling into my own place. Maybe we can take more time, reevaluate later. I'm not asking you to put the gun away." She sighs. "I'm just asking you to wait before you pull the trigger."

"'The searing light of morning asks unwelcome questions, fragile hopes soon blistered by daylight,'" he recites.

"Castle." An unspoken please.

He squeezes his fist against his thigh. His hands still ache.

He sets his empty cup on top of the envelope. "Call me in four months."

He leaves her at the table, wedding ring burning hot in the pocket of his pants.

Fuck. He's a goddamn fool.


	2. Chapter 2

_As I mentioned in the author's note, which I have deleted just to eliminate confusion, I have removed all of the chapters from this story's original version, with the exception of the first chapter. You might recognize pieces of the following chapters, as I've rewritten parts and kept others._

* * *

 _Four months later_

Her body shudders in relief as she steps out into the hot California sun. The non-stop flight from Manhattan to Los Angeles is just under five hours, but she feels like she's been trapped on the plane for days. Her hair sticks to her face a little as she pulls her luggage to her rental car, but the dry heat is still a welcome change from the oppressive humidity that welcomed her whenever she stepped foot onto the streets of New York.

She doesn't really know anyone in the city apart from Castle — and she can't exactly bother him when their marriage is in shambles — so she mostly had to rely on Skype and place her trust in friends of friends when making her living arrangements. She managed to secure a temporary lease for a month, so at least if her new place is a shithole, she can get out of it pretty easily. Thank God for compassionate lease agents. She's pretty sure she found the only one in the entire Los Angeles County.

She heaves her suitcases and carry-on into the trunk of the sedan. She's got several boxes set to arrive on her door stop in the coming days and a few she left with her father, as well. Jim Beckett wasn't exactly pleased with her idea to give up New York and chase her estranged husband across the country, but she knows it had nothing to do with Castle and everything to do with the fact that the mistake she made when she left him never should've been made to begin with. And if she hadn't, they would almost certainly still be living their life in New York City, surrounded by their loved ones.

She pressed a kiss to her father's cheek and promised she'd be home for Christmas, at the latest. If she and Castle are able to repair things, she hopes they'll move back to their home someday, but she couldn't give her father that assurance – especially if her decision comes down to moving back to New York, where all her demons seem to start and end, or staying in LA and living her life with Castle. She would choose him every damn time.

In fact, that's what she _thought_ she was doing when she chased after Loksat — putting him and their life together first by attempting to dismantle the whole operation — but she went about it all wrong. And by the time she realized that, it was too late. Whatever hope her husband once had for them seemed to be gone. That much was evident when a courier dropped the divorce papers on the doorstep of the studio apartment she was subletting.

She doesn't blame him, but she's not ready to throw in the towel, either, not after he gave her just a flash of hope four months ago when he told her she could call him when she got to town.

It was only then that she felt like she could finally start to breathe again. Maybe somehow she hadn't ruined the best thing that ever happened to her.

The apartment is smaller than she pictured, even knowing the exact square footage and getting a walk through via FaceTime, but it's cute. Cozy. There's plenty of sun that streams through the window and Kate thanks her lucky stars that it's clean, pretty much spotless.

She'll run to the store later for the necessities — including an air mattress — but for now, she sinks to the floor with a sigh, relieved, exhausted and scared all at the same time.

She made it.

She gives herself a few days to settle in, unpack the boxes as they arrive on her doorstep and order some of the bigger things she can't live without.

Like a bed.

The air mattress has done its job but she's not sleeping well as it is — between the three-hour time difference, the limitless sunshine and the fact that even after two years, she still wakes up in a cold sweat, missing him.

How did she let it get to this point again? She fears the day she wakes up and realizes she's spent more of her life wasting it in some warped attempt to clear all the obstacles rather than she spent actually living it.

She pulls herself together enough to call him the morning of her third day in town. Her heart pounds as the line continues to ring. She can't ignore the pang of disappointment she feels when he doesn't pick up, though she half-expected it, and the stammered message she leaves in his voice mailbox leaves her feeling raw and exposed.

But she doesn't show him that side enough, she supposes.

She's done as much as she can in the apartment and yearns to get outside, grab a bite while she feels the sun on her face. She slips into a comfy sundress and grabs a pair of sunglasses and one of his books — needs to feel his words to soothe her a little — and heads out the door.

He wakes with a dull ache in his chest and the sheen of sweat on his forehead. God, he really needs to get that AC fixed. Three days in sweltering July heat is enough to make him want to want to crawl back into that freezer.

But he also kind of relishes the way it suffocates him, presses down on his sternum, shoves at his back, wraps its hands around his neck. Finally, he has a tangible reason for the cement that fills his shoes, keeps him dragging his feet.

He thought - time, you know. Sunshine. A change of pace, different locale. So sure one of them or all of them would make a difference, that he'd wake up and finally feel refreshed, excited for life and new opportunities.

But it hasn't happened. Nothing has made a difference.

Four months have passed since he sat with her in that cafe, since she laid out all her sins with the promise of a new start, a new life. Maybe with him - if they could glue all the jagged pieces back together yet again.

He hasn't let himself hope that she'd follow through on her word, but it doesn't stop him from checking his phone too often, from looking for her on the streets of the city. He doesn't want her to call almost as much as he does. Whether she's gone for good or about to stumble back into his life again — the ache remains.

* * *

He has no idea if she's even in fucking California.

He groans as he fumbles with the coffee pot. The rich liquid sloshes onto his wrist and he hisses as it scalds his skin. Fuck. He slides over to the faucet and it splutters on after a few seconds, another reminder that he still hasn't called the plumber like he's meant to for the last week.

He thrusts his hand under the running water and sighs. Get it together, Rick.

But he can't. He misses her.

He aches for the words that don't come like he aches for her.

He still hasn't been able to write a damn thing that's been worthwhile of his time. Switching genres hasn't made a lick of difference. He thought maybe something darker to match his mood, something free of any reminder of the two of them. No Heat, no Storm.

He tried his hand at horror, made it 100 pages in before he scrubbed it from his hard drive. Somehow it morphed into a story unworthy of even a relegation to a dime store bargain bin among the likes of cowboy smut novels.

He'll never be Stephen King and he wasted an entire month trying to be. That's the other thing that kills him — it took him 30 days to write 100 pages. A hundred pages of drivel.

So then he redecorated his office. A few bold bursts of inspiration would be just the trick. He'd scoured eBay and gotten his hands on posters of the cover art of his favorite works and his favorite films.

He'd even brought in some hippie Angeleno decorator who littered the place with orange and yellow throw pillows, high on Feng Shui vibes as she insisted the current setup didn't lend itself to creativity or productivity.

So he let her change everything around and now he spends all day with his back to the window, staring at a wall, now blocked in every sense of the word.

He thought if he moved to a place where she'd never laughed, never pressed her mouth to his, never loved him, the absence of her wouldn't echo in the hollows of the walls. But he sees now that the emptiness will follow him wherever he goes — even 3000 miles across the country.

He figures there must be a way to surrender to it, to harvest it, if nothing else than for his writing. Aren't all the great artists tortured ones? Why can't he be more like Van Gogh?

Though he's grown pretty fond of his ears. He'd like to keep those.

Last night, he hopped in his car and drove 30 minutes to a beach further up the coast, where the moon hung full, spilling across miles of sand. He sat in the stillness, a blanket wrapped around his shoulders until the chill in the wind sank its teeth through the layers of polyester and cotton.

He brought a pen and a pad of paper with him just in case, but he hadn't wanted to do anything more than stare at the waves crashing against the shore and feel the scrape of sand beneath his fingers.

He needed to feel something tangible again.

Today, he's gonna try some observational writing therapy. He needs to get back to people, someone other than the grocery store cashier or the anxious-laden voices of his daughter and mother.

He showers quickly, ruffling his damp hair with his hands before tossing on a black tee and a pair of comfy jeans. He doesn't constantly fight the urge to put on a dress shirt anymore. After months of casual clothes, it's finally become natural.

He grabs his phone from its spot on his nightstand when he realizes someone left him a voicemail while he was in the shower.

His heart leaps to his throat when he sees she called. He sucks in a breath, lifts the phone to his ear as he falls onto his bed. Maybe he shouldn't be standing for this.

 _Hey, Castle. It's me...I got into town a few days ago…. Just settling in and getting the lay of the land…._

He hears her hesitate. _You can call me back if you'd like, and I'll try to get ahold of you again later tonight or tomorrow. Bye._

He sighs, flopping onto his back as he disconnects. He's been waiting for this for months, but he can't bring himself to call her back just yet. What would he even say?

Ugh. He'll take the afternoon for himself, try to get some writing done, and call her back later.

But first, he needs _out_ of his house.

* * *

 _Updates will be regular, but just a couple of times a week. Thank you for reading!_


	3. Chapter 3

It's the middle of a work day just after the lunch rush so he misses most of the traffic on his way into Studio City. He had a quick meeting with a contact at CBS a few days ago and stumbled upon a nice little cafe near there on his way out of town. A vibe he can definitely work with.

The parking lot in front of Crave Cafe is a goddamn nightmare, but he manages to find a tight space he can safely occupy for at least a couple of hours. He considers swinging into Pinkberry first but his stomach unkindly reminds him that he could probably use something a little more substantial than the coffee and avocado toast he attempted to swallow for breakfast. He can try his hand at adapting to LA's swanky healthy lifestyle - could probably stand to drop 20 pounds anyway - but he draws the line at avocado toast. He draws the line at avocados _period._

He orders a margherita pizza and a bottle of water. The cashier hands him a number for his table and he nods at her before slipping outside to settle down at a table in the sun. He slides a small pen and a notebook from the pocket of his jeans and tears the cap off with his mouth. He looks around, squinting in the sunlight, wishing he was motivated enough to retrieve the sunglasses from the glove compartment in his car.

He's alone with only two other people sitting outside with him. A middle-aged man with olive skin and salt and pepper hair sits in one of the corners, deeply invested in something on his laptop, a coffee sandwiched in the vee of his legs.

The other customer is more of a mystery to him at this angle with the way the sun casts a shadow over the restaurant. All he can really make out is that the patron is wearing a sundress while buried behind a book.

The waitress comes out then, his margherita pizza in hand. "Here you go, Mr. Castle." She beams and he gratefully accepts, suddenly reminded again how famished he is.

"Thank you."

"Looks like you've got another fan over there in that corner," she cocks her head toward the customer he observed a moment earlier. "She had one of your books with you when she ordered her latte."

He grins. "Thanks for the heads up."

She nods with a smile and strides off back inside.

Hmm. Maybe he'll drop in on this fan before he leaves. He'd be lying if his ego didn't need a bit of a boost these days, after slaving away over garbage for months.

He looks over at her again, squints a little harder, but he doesn't have much to add to her missing profile. Maybe if he surreptitiously switched tables…

There _is_ an empty chair only about ten feet away from her and she'd probably be too engrossed in her book to even notice his little game of musical chairs.

 _Yes,_ this is a fantastic idea. A profile of a fan is a great way to get his creative juices flowing. He'll observe her as he spills out her back story. Genius, Castle.

He's got to remember to leave the waitress a really generous tip.

He sticks his pen between his teeth and delicately balances his plate of pizza atop his notebook in one hand, water in the other. He casually walks to his new spot, pleased to note that Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome doesn't even blink an eye.

He sits down next to her, taking notice of the coral cotton dress that spills down over her long legs, hitting just above her ankle. _Heat Wave_ — ahh, when he was still good — is angled just enough that he still can't really see her face, can only make out a messy bun of honey-colored hair that kind of reminds him of his wife's in the peak of summer.

 _Wait -_

She chuckles and the sound shimmies down his spine, electrifies his nerves in all the right places. It's too much.

He swallows hard. "Kate?"

The woman in question startles, lowering her book and sliding her sunglasses through her messy bangs. The surprise is written all over her face. "Castle?"

He lets out a whoosh of a breath. "You're...here."

She shoots him a hesitant smile, a light flickering in her gaze. "Couple of days ago. Did you get my voicemail?"

"Yeah, I was in the shower when you called," he says dumbly.

"Oh." She closes her book, settling it into her lap as her hands curl over it protectively. When she leans forward in her chair, he notes that her eyes are a little brighter than the last time he saw her. The detective is still too thin, he thinks, whatever California sun she's gotten in the last two days looks good on her.

He hopes it'll be a good change for her, even if it doesn't end up being a good change for them, necessarily.

She tugs on her bottom lip. Oh, it's still adorable. "This is a cute little place, huh?" she asks him, cocking her head toward the door of the cafe.

He clears his throat. He can totally do this, make casual conversation with his estranged wife. "Yeah, I just stumbled upon it the other day. I've only been here during the day, but I think it's open 24 hours."

"I passed by it on my way to Ralph's yesterday and wanted to stop by and check it out. Get out of my apartment a little," she explains.

"I know what you mean. Sort of. I was hoping to get some writing done here today. A change of scenery from my place. Going a little stir crazy," he admits.

She lifts an eyebrow. "What's the matter, Castle? The beach not doing it for you?" she teases.

He shrugs. "Different people to observe here." Like her, apparently.

Kate crooks her elbow, leaning her head on her fist. "How is the writing going?"

He rubs the back of his neck. "Not great," he confesses. "Hence the change of scenery."

A shadow passes over her face, the spark dimming in her gaze. "Right."

He clears his throat, eager to move past the weight of the moment. He's certain it affects her more than she lets on, the fact that he's struggled to write much of anything since they separated. He's lucky that he's been with Black Pawn as long as he has, that they've been as understanding as they have been when his words continue to fail him.

"Where are you living?" He takes a bite of his pizza.

"I've got a cozy place not far from here. Sherman Oaks?"

He swallows, brushing his hands on a napkin. "It's a nice place to be."

"Yes, well, it's not the beach," she says with a wry smile. "But it works for right now."

He nods, doesn't really know what else to say, and the silence is heavy and a little awkward between them as he takes another bite of his meal.

"I start work in a few weeks," she blurts out, so very unlike her. He cocks his head at that. She must be as anxious about this as he is.

"You came out here kind of early then, didn't you?" he asks.

"Yeah." She bites her lip, hesitating. "I wanted to use the time to…" but she trails off, shifting in her seat uncomfortably.

"To…?" he prompts.

"I wasn't sure how open you'd be to seeing me, to my being here, so I wanted to have time...available," she says softly. "To convince you, I guess."

"Kate - "

"We don't have to get into this now, Castle. But let me just say," she sucks in a shaky breath, "I know I don't deserve another shot at this, but you're my husband, and I don't know how much that's worth at this point after everything I've done, but I can't sleep at night knowing I didn't do everything I could to make this work again. Starting with moving here."

He scrubs a hand over his face. "Kate, that's a lot of pressure. You understand that, right? You picked up and moved 3,000 miles when I can't make you any promises."

She shakes her head. "No, I - I'm _attempting_ to come into this with few expectations, Castle. I can't imagine my life without you," she swallows roughly, "But if this is where we end, moving here is still the right decision for me. There are too many ghosts haunting me in New York, and California is where I found myself for the first time."

Oh, right. Stanford.

His heart is pounding now and the sincerity in her voice opens the wounds in his heart. Will he always hurt? Even if things between them could ever get back to what they were — will he always ache for her?

He doesn't know what to say. His mouth feels like it's filled with cotton and he's lost his appetite after only finishing a quarter of the pizza pie.

"Okay," he says. He brushes the crumbs from his hands and pushes his chair out.

"Are you leaving?" And it's soft and broken, like she did something wrong. Like she made a mistake in laying herself bare to him. She didn't, but it's too much and not enough at the same time.

The space between them suffocates him. She's two feet away, close enough for him to touch and the distance tears his heart into pieces.

"Yeah, I have to go," he lies, turning away from her, palming the back of his neck. "I have a conference call with Black Pawn."

"Oh."

His eyes slam shut. He won't be able to come here again anytime soon. "I'll catch up with you later," he rasps, already walking away.

"Castle, wait," she says urgently. He hears the scrape of her chair before her hand gently grabs his arm, scalding him with her touch.

He doesn't turn around. "Kate," his voice cracks. Please don't do this to me, he doesn't say.

"I know," she whispers. "But please."

He lifts his hand to hers, still perched on his arm, and squeezes briefly. "I'll call you," he says. "Soon."

She sighs softly and her hand falls away. "Okay," she agrees. "Soon."

 _I still love you_ , he wants to say. "I promise," is what he says instead.

Then he walks away.

* * *

When he gets home, he sits in his car for 20 minutes, unmoving as he replays their reunion over and over in his head.

He has a difficult time wrapping his head around the fact that she's uprooted her entire life, given up her job with the NYPD, and come all this way.

He never wanted her to give it up for him. And though she says she did it for her too, he knows they wouldn't be here if things hadn't played out the way they did.

All he ever wanted was _her_. He wanted more than just half of her at home while the other half kept secrets and chased ghosts and put herself in death's way.

He doesn't need their life together to be _easier_ — but they can't continue to sacrifice themselves for the greater good anymore. Whether that's the job or...them _._

He wants to believe what she said four months ago in New York — that she's finished, given the case up — but he's no fool. They've been down this road before, only to end up here. What makes this time different?

She moved across the country for him. Her words might mean shit, but that...it's a Castle-sized gesture. Everything she knows and loves — with the exception of him — is back in New York. Her dad, Ryan, Esposito. Lanie.

The memory of her mother is in New York. And her job, the very thing that made the blood run through her veins for so long.

But now she's here with him, asking for yet another chance.

It's infuriating. But that's Kate Beckett.

He lets his head fall onto the top of the steering wheel and groans. Goddamn it.

He's so very tired of missing his wife.

* * *

 _As I mentioned, this will be drawn out more than the previous version, so while I didn't change much in this chapter, the next one (their dinner) will look very different from the last version._

 _Thanks for reading!_


	4. Chapter 4

He sits with his thoughts for a few more hours, trying to come up with some kind of plan to figure out how in God's name they can work through this.

He putzes around the kitchen, pours himself a coffee. Later, he makes his way into his office, perches on the edge of his desk so he can actually feel the light coming through the window. He really should put it back the way it was before he brought in the "feng shui artist."

He opens one of the drawers, pulls out a framed photo of the two of them on their wedding day that Jim had snapped while they danced in front of the sunset. Her head is on his shoulder, but her eyes crinkle, full of love and mirth, her grin half-pressed into his shirt.

You can't see much of him from the angle, but it's one of his favorites from that day. The image of a woman in love. The love of his life in love with _him_. He couldn't believe his luck. It seemed to take them forever to get there, but it had been so worth the insanity.

 _It still is_ , he tells himself.

Whatever he's doing now isn't working. A half-life void of love, void of creativity, void of meaning. He's not so depressed that he would ever dream of giving up his life, but he's been barely existing at best.

And maybe Kate isn't the answer. But he's spent so long trying to find the answer outside of her and so far it hasn't worked.

So maybe they try again. Maybe they fail, but maybe —

Maybe they don't.

* * *

It's a few days after she bumped into him at Crave when her phone rings again. She managed to swap her air mattress out for a real bed and now she's taken advantage with a nap after a few restless nights. She rubs at her eyes, carding her fingers through the tangled ends of her hair.

She needs a shower.

"Hmm. Castle?" she answers the phone, a rasp to her voice.

"Hey," he says tentatively. "You okay? You sound...weird."

She chuckles a little, low in her throat. "Yeah, I just laid down for a bit to close my eyes and I must've fallen asleep," she cracks through a yawn.

"Oh, I woke you. I can call you bac-"

"No," she says, sitting up quickly. "I'm glad you called. I didn't think…" She bites down on her lip.

"I know. Neither did I," he says quietly.

"Well," she clears her throat, ducking her head as if he can see her. "I'm glad you did."

He's quiet for a minute, taking it in. "I just called to see if you wanted to come over for dinner later. Nothing special, just pizza and beer." He pauses. "I thought maybe we could talk."

Oh. Oh, this is..good?

Or it's bad. It could be bad, too.

Fuck.

"Kate?"

"I would love to, Castle," she stammers, a little breathless. "Thank you."

"How's 8?"

"Perfect. Gives me some time to wash the sleep out of my hair," she jokes. "I can swing by and get the pizza and the beer on my way in, if you'd like."

"There's a great little place nearby that delivers. Maybe you can stop and grab a six-pack though? I think I only have one bottle in the fridge."

"Sure thing."

"Great. I'll text you the address."

"Perfect. See you soon." Can he hear her heart pounding through the phone?

"Bye."

She indulges in a long, hot shower, Coltrane playing loudly from the speakers of her phone that's propped up on the bathroom counter.

She decides to towel dry her hair and scrunches some leave in-conditioner into the ends so it'll curl up a little without getting frizzy. Another perk of the California weather: She can let her hair air dry without worrying that it'll frizz up like a lion's mane.

Kate swipes on a few dabs of tinted moisturizer, runs a mascara wand over her lashes and rubs some light gloss over her lips. She steps into a pair of jeans shorts, a white v-neck t-shirt and a a pair of flip-flops before she's shoving her sunglasses gently through her waves on her way out the door.

She shows up five minutes until 8, a hesitant smile on her face and a couple of different liquor options in her hands.

"Hey," she greets him, stepping through the door. "I wasn't sure what we were in the mood for, so I got a six pack and a bottle of wine." She shrugs, a little sheepish.

"Perfect," he says, slipping the wine from her grasp. His fingers brush hers for just a moment and it jolts her a little and seems to catch him by surprise, too. It's been so long since they've touched — _really_ touched, other than when she laid her hand on his arm outside Crave. She's frozen in time and his eyes hold hers, curious and a little longing.

But then he's clearing his throat and breaking them of their trance, turning away so he can put away the alcohol. She hangs back a little, lingering as she takes in his new digs.

When he moved out here, she thought for sure he'd be buying a house. Maybe not something quite as massive as the Hamptons house, but something a little more...permanent.

Which is why she was surprised to show up at his condo. Still practically oceanside, still much more than she could ever afford on her own, but not at all what she was expecting.

From what she can gather without taking the complete tour, it reminds her a lot of his loft back in New York City — but brighter, airier. More California, less New York. She can't put her finger on it, but it lacks some Castle, too. Something's a little...off.

And, naturally, there's no sign of an office separated by bookshelves.

"I put the pizza order in a few minutes before you got here, so it should be here soon, hopefully," his muffled voice says from behind the door of the refrigerator.

"Great. I'm starving," she admits with a small groan, patting her stomach.

"You need something light to tide you over? I don't think I have a ton, but could probably scrounge up some potato chips or something," he says, scratching his head in thought.

She shakes her head. "Thanks, but I can hold out for twenty minutes." Her eyes follow the length of the kitchen as he sets the six-pack in the fridge to cool while they wait for dinner.

"It's a nice place, Castle," she says sincerely.

He beams a little in pride. "Thanks. There are a few things I would change about it, I think, but it's not a bad place to spend my time." He hesitates then. "Would you like a tour?"

Ah. But she doesn't think she's quite ready to see all the rooms he inhabits alone. She knows she's the reason he lives here alone, but it still…

She can't. Not yet.

"Maybe later?" she suggests.

"Sure."

She slides her hands into the back pocket of her shorts, feeling a little awkward. At least a tour would have filled some of the silence until the pizza arrived, and now she doesn't quite know what to do with herself.

She can't look at him while she battles internally. To see him be uncomfortable, too...They were married, for God's sake.

They were _married_.

She cocks her head toward the open living room. "We can go sit down until the food gets here?"

He snaps into action, relieved and willing at the suggestion. "Yeah, perfect. Lead the way."

She clambers down into the smooth leather and he sits down in a chair for right now, just a few feet away from her. She almost kicks her flip flops off, but she stops herself, clenching her fists against her thighs. It's not her home, and he's not hers right now.

She doesn't have a right to kick her shoes off in his home. She gulps down a shaky breath.

"How was your day?" she asks, removing the sunglasses from her head before setting them onto the coffee table.

He shrugs. "Decent. Got up kinda late and went for a walk. Came home and talked to Alexis for a little bit."

She bites her lip. "How is she doing?"

He sighs and a wistful look passes his face. He clearly misses the young redhead. "She's good - busy. I haven't gotten to talk to her as much as I'd like. She's taking classes right now to get her master's."

Kate nods. "Right. She did mention that a few months ago."

Castle looks surprised. "You've talked to her?"

She shifts uncomfortably. She knew Alexis wouldn't _exactly_ be thrilled with Kate after everything, to put it lightly. Her husband's daughter had gotten to a pretty good place after she and Castle got married, but it all unraveled pretty rapidly after Kate left.

Not that she had really expected anything less. Alexis hadn't owed Kate anything.

"I tried, anyway. Reached out a couple of times, but she wasn't terribly receptive," Kate admits, tucking a wave of hair behind her ear.

"Not that she should've been, really," she says with a shrug. "But I wanted to try." She feels her cheeks flame. Revealing that to him feels... oddly vulnerable.

"Alexis didn't mention that," Castle says softly.

Kate shrugs. "There wasn't much to tell. I haven't exactly given our family - your family," she corrects with a wince. God, it was her family too, though. "There hasn't been much of a reason to trust me over this last year but I can't bring myself to stop trying either."

The mirthless chuckle that escapes his mouth sends a chill curling down her spine. "That's exactly what you did, Kate. You stopped trying," he says in disbelief. "You walked away."

She shakes her head. "No, _no_ , Castle. I didn't walk away. I just... pushed 'pause.' I _had_ to in order to keep you safe, to protect what we had. Have."

"I think you were right the first time," he scrapes out.

She flinches as if he slapped her. Is this why he invited her over here? To finish dismantling everything?

"I'm sorry, that wasn't nice."

She doesn't say anything to that, her heart still pounding with the implication of what he said.

He gets up from his chair with the shake of his head, starts to pace the room. "Damn it, Kate. We could've done it, together. You could've clued me in and done this the right way. We were a te—"

And then she's on her feet, too because if they're going to get into this, they're going to do it on equal footing.

"And what about what happened with my mother's case, Rick? Tell me how it's different. Tell me. When I was investigating after I got shot, you _hid_ information from me to give me protection. That's all I wanted to do — "

He shakes his head. "It's not the same thing."

"The _hell_ it isn't - "

"I didn't walk out of our marriage, Kate!" he fumes.

Her mouth snaps shut, her head dipping, the curtain of her hair the perfect shadow as she gathers herself again. It's always going to come to this, isn't it?

The pieces of their marriage are scattered on the floor and the two of them just keep walking, treading, crumbling it a little more.

Only he's barefoot and she's got on her stilettos.

The tears are there, ready for her, but she shoves them away. "Do you have any idea what it would do to me if they killed you because of me?" her voice cracks.

"Yet you still couldn't walk away," he rasps, low and stormy. "Not for me, not for Alexis, not for your dad."

"If I had walked away, they would've _killed_ you -"

He laughs hollowly. "Don't kid yourself, Kate. This was never about me."

Her heart sinks, falls into her stomach. "How can you say that to me, Rick?"

He opens his mouth to reply but the shrill ring of the doorbell echoes it, startling her. Right. The pizza.

"I got the pizza," she says, her voice shaking as she fishes a 20 out of the pocket of her jean shorts with trembling hands.

He waves her off with the shake of his head, comes to stand in front of her as he gently shoves her hands away. "No, I -"

"Jesus, Castle, just let me get the fucking pizza," she croaks, and she's about to lose it. She's about to lose her grip on everything over a 15 dollar pizza.

He tries to calm her, placing his hands over hers. She's still shaking. "I gave them my card over the phone already. I just need to sign," he says gently.

Her eyes slam closed, and she lets out a slow breath. Defeated. "Okay."

The warmth of his hands is snatched away from her all too quickly and shit, she just needs a minute to compose herself. Her vision is blurry now, tears filling fast, and she realizes she has no idea where the bathroom is.

"Castle, where's the bathroom?" Her voice is too thick with emotion and she dry heaves a little, gasping, choking. God, everything just keeps crumbling. "Castle?"

But he still doesn't answer and she's about to just fall onto her knees right in the middle of his living room floor when she feels the warmth of his broad palm at her back.

"Shh," he soothes her. "Come on, it's right back here." His voice is too soft, too kind to her and it only fuels her grief. She nearly stumbles, but his arm slides to secure around her waist as he leads her into the spacious bathroom.

He lefts go of her for a second and she finds the closest place to sit down, her hands clamping down on the edge of the tub as settles onto the edge of it.

She thrusts her head between her legs, sucking down trembling breaths. She's not having a panic attack — she remembers those all too well after her shooting — but it helps, nonetheless.

She feels a little embarrassed about what's happening right now, but she's been trying to keep such a firm lid on her grief over their ever-dissolving marriage that she's surprised she's made it this long without some kind of breakdown.

Though she definitely thought she'd be alone when it happened and not in the middle of another fruitless argument.

For a moment, everything is still, and she thinks he's left her to take a minute for herself, but then she hears the sound of a cabinet door closing followed by the unmistakable rush of water from the sink.

She hears the crack of his knees as he kneels down next to her and if it were any other time, she would laugh, make a lame joke about how he's getting old.

His hands are gentle at the back of her neck as he scrapes most of her mane out of the way before his fingers slide under a few sweaty strands that cling there. He gathers it all in his hand, lets it fall over her right shoulder. She shivers and can't tell if it's her body trying to cool itself down or the proximity of the man who owns her heart.

He presses a cold washcloth there and she almost cries out in relief.

"Thank you," she sighs out. And then, because she doesn't want to make him any more uncomfortable, she lifts a hand to keep it there, relieving him of the duty. She thinks she makes out the sound of a door shutting a minute later, but she can't be certain.

Is she alone now?

* * *

 _A little rough, I know, but they've got some stuff to work out. As always, thanks for reading!_

 _Liv_


	5. Chapter 5

When her breathing slows down to a normal rate, her tears dry and crusty at her cheeks, she lifts her head, removing the washcloth from her neck to swipe at her face, cool her face down. When she opens her eyes, she's surprised to find him sitting on the floor just couple of feet away, his back pressed against the wall.

His blue eyes on hers are tired, worried, she thinks.

"I'm sorry," she says quietly. "I don't know…" she trails off, shrugs sheepishly. She doesn't have the words.

She doesn't know what happened.

"Are you all right?" he rasps.

"I guess everything just became tangible. What's happened with us...what I've done," she swallows it down. "That sounds ridiculous, right? It's been almost two years at this point."

But she knows what it is. She just always assumed he would wait for her. He always waited.

And it's so fucked up and unfair to him, she knows that, God, she knows that. But there's always been that thought that if he was waiting for the right reasons, then somehow in its twisted way, that made it all okay.

He clears his throat. "Do you remember what you said to me right before you walked out of our home?"

She leans over her knees, tucking her hands that still quake into her sides. "I said that I hope you'll have room in your heart to take me back."

He sighs. "Yeah. And before that, you told me you needed to figure some things out so we can have a happily ever after."

She nods. "I remember."

"I've thought about that conversation every day since you left, Kate. Every. Day," he says. "I just kept wondering when you'd got it into your head that it was okay to go this whole thing alone, make things okay, supposedly safe, so that we could be married in peace, 'happily ever after.'"

She furrows her brow. "What are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about the summer after your shooting. That entire year after your shooting, when I waited for you."

"Are you saying you regret waiting for me?" she croaks.

"No, _no_. But if I had the chance, maybe I would do things differently. Push you harder, try to make you see that it never had to be all or nothing." He scrapes a hand down his face, frustrated. "I think our summers apart, and the year after your shooting set a...precedent. Not a good one."

"Hang on," she holds up a hand and slides down to the floor, crossing her legs as she settles down in front of him. She needs to understand. "You think this is a pattern?"

"That first summer that we spent apart. I went to the Hamptons with Gina. You broke up with Demming and started dating Josh," he begins. "That summer...I ran away from you. I'd only planned to be gone a couple of weeks at the most, at first. Then you seemed to be rejecting me, so…" he trails off. "I stayed away as long as I could."

She told him a few years ago, not long after they first started dating, that she'd broken up with Demming to go with him to the Hamptons, only to be interrupted by his ex-wife.

But this? She's not surprised, exactly, but he's never quite put it in those terms.

"The next summer," he starts.

"I was recovering," she says haltingly. "But also hiding from you, yes. I didn't know how to process everything."

"And that entire year after."

She shakes her head. "That was different. I _needed_ that time, Castle. I needed to deal with my own demons before I could be with you the way that I wanted. The way you deserved."

He nods. "I don't doubt that you believe that, Kate."

He's not condescending, but it still catches her off guard. "What is that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not saying that you didn't have stuff you were working through. I watched you claw like hell through your PTSD, find a way to love the way that you always wanted to. I'm not taking that away from you - "

"Then what _are_ you saying?" she interrupts.

"I'm saying that even after everything, we got married and one of us still found a way to run, Kate."

"You think I'm hiding," she states plainly, unblinking.

"I don't think you're doing it on purpose," he says slowly. "I think you believe your reasons to be what they are, but yes."

She frowns. "I'm not afraid of being with you, Castle. I trust you."

"But you're afraid of losing me."

She stares at him. "Yes, that's what I've been telling you. The case - "

Castle shakes his head. "Kate, you're a dedicated police captain who's put away hordes of criminals. You exposed some serious high-level corruption. You've made a lot of enemies. There's always going to be danger, LokSat or not."

She groans, tearing a hand through her hair. "This is a lot."

"I'm not a therapist. I'm just...making an observation."

But she hears what he's getting at. It's something she and Dr. Burke touched on briefly when she was in therapy: abandonment issues. She's left Castle before he could leave her — whether of his own volition or something bad happening to him.

Is that what happened, what she did?

She presses her palms to her eye sockets, trying to wrap her head around it all.

"Kate," he says gently, wrapping his hand around one of her wrists to remove it from her face. "Let's table this for now, okay? I really didn't invite you over because I was planning a big confrontation."

"Could've fooled me," she teases weakly.

The corners of his mouth tip up just a little. "Let's go heat up our pizza and grab a drink. I think we could both use one."

That's for damn sure. She sighs, trying to shake it all off, if just for a brief respite from the emotional carousel they've found themselves on.

He pushes himself to his feet and offers her his hand. She accepts it gratefully, allowing him to pull her carefully to her feet. She waits for him to take the lead out of the bathroom, but he's still for a second, his gaze flitting over the length of her face.

He's solemn as he lifts a hand to cup the side of her face, his thumb brushing where her tears have dried. His palm is warm, and his touch is almost foreign now. Goosebumps pucker over her arms.

"I don't know what the hell we're doing here, Kate," he breathes, his breath caressing her forehead. "But I wouldn't have asked you to eat dinner with me if I'd completely given up on the two of us getting our shit together."

She chokes out a watery laugh, her knees nearly buckling in relief. She lifts her hand to cover his, squeezing it briefly. It's not much, but she hopes it's a start.

"Let's go eat," he says.

She follows.

* * *

He grabs a couple of plates as she helps by tearing off a few paper towels from the holder on the counter before she opens the refrigerator to grab their drinks.

She cocks her hip out in thought. "You feeling like wine or beer?" she asks him over her shoulder. She would rather have wine, but she's a little drained and more likely to get a headache if she has a glass of red.

So beer it is.

"Hmm. How about a beer?" he suggests, placing a slice onto each of their plates. She takes a couple of bottles out and swipes the bottle opener from its spot on the fridge. Same place they used to keep it at the loft, she notes with a pang.

She snaps the caps off with ease and turns to him with a small, tentative smile.

"Shall we?" he nods his head back to the living room.

She clutches the beers in one hand and grabs the napkins with the other. "Lead the way."

He makes himself at home on the couch next to her this time, one seat between them. He hesitates. "Do you...want to watch a movie or something?"

She curls her feet up into the couch before reaching for her plate. "Sure," she replies, a little relieved. They could both use a break from any serious conversation, and she definitely can't do light small talk right now.

He smiles. "I'll queue up the Netflix."

He flicks the TV on and switches the input so that his ChromeCast screen shows up. He digs out his phone and connects it to the screen before scrolling through the titles.

"Are you all caught up on 'Orange Is the New Black?'" he asks her.

She swallows, wiping her mouth with a towel. "The last season I watched was with you," she admits.

His eyes flicker briefly at that. "Me too," he says. "Feel like starting the next season?"

She smiles. "Let's do it."

* * *

They're in the middle of the second episode when he reaches for his beer on the coffee table and the glow of the TV flashes just right over his left hand. It socks her in the gut, and she doesn't know how she missed it before today.

Maybe she didn't want to see it.

The blood drains from her face and she can no longer pay attention to the show, can only stare down at her own hand where her rings rest.

"It's in my pocket," the rasp of his voice cuts through her thoughts, startling her.

She licks her lips, tries to mask the pain that's surely written all over her face before she meets his gaze. "What?"

"My ring," he croaks. He fishes in his pocket and holds it out in the palm of his hand. She sucks in a breath at the sight of it, nodding dumbly.

She doesn't know what to say.

"Even when...I don't know, it never seemed right to take it off. There was never anyone…" he trails off and _God,_ she's not sure she can handle this conversation right now.

She shakes her head, willing the tears away. "Castle, you don't owe me an explanation."

"It's been about six months ago now, I guess. I took it off to mess with the plumbing under the sink because my ring kept scraping one of the pipes." His voice is scratchy now. "I went to put it back on a few days later, but…" He sighs. "My eating habits, my weight has fluctuated...it just doesn't really fit right anymore."

"Let me show you something," she replies softly. Castle scoots a little closer to her as she rests her hand on his knee, flipping it over to reveal the underside of her rings, where a row of string wraps around the bands, keeping them tight to her skin.

His gaze falls to her fingers, his thumb lifting to skate over the bands. "Yours don't fit you either."

"No," she confirms.

He looks up at her. "How long?"

She bites her bottom lip, hesitating with the truth. "Four months after I left you."

He curses under his breath. "Are you eating any better now?"

She gives him a wan smile. "A little. Are you?"

"A little," he parrots back to her. His thumb still traces her fingers and it's hypnotizing. Kate can't tear her eyes away from his weathered hands. She never thought she'd feel his touch again, even one as simple as this.

"I'm so very sorry, Castle," she says softly. "Even after all this time, I never really apologized for leaving you. Regardless of what happens between us, I owe you that, at the very least."

His hand stills over hers and she braces herself for his recoil, holding her breath, but instead his fingers wrap around hers, squeezing.

"Thank you."

She lets the moment wash over her before he reluctantly slides his hand away. She doesn't know what happens after this, but she wants to end the night on a positive note, quit while she's ahead, before they somehow tailspin into another fight. And it's getting late — she doesn't want to overstay her welcome.

"It's getting late. I should probably head home," she says, flashing a quick smile.

"You sure you don't want to just finish the episode?" he asks, nodding his head toward the TV screen. "There's only 20 minutes left."

She hesitates. "If you're sure."

His blue eyes are warm on hers. "I'm sure."

* * *

After he walks her to the door and says goodbye, he collapses onto his sofa, exhausted from their emotional evening, but a little lighter.

The beginning of their night was utter hell, but it was a conversation that needed to be had, one that they'll have to revisit if they have even a slight chance of working things out. He thinks — hopes — he opened Kate's eyes to their bad habits, that they'll be able to build off it and work through it together.

He wants to be happy again, wants _her_ to be happy again. The pain that shone in her eyes when she noticed he'd taken off his wedding ring will haunt his dreams tonight along with the sound of her choking sobs as he led her to the bathroom.

They can't keep hurting each other.

He doesn't know what the answer is, but he sleeps better that night than he has in two years.

* * *

 _Tumblr: loveandprose_

 _Twitter: OliviaJRowe_


	6. Chapter 6

_Just want to preface this by saying that I know they have serious conversations to continue, but I think we need some lightness in here, too._

* * *

She wants to keep giving him the space he seems to need, so she texts him a couple of times over the next few days, keeps the conversation light, sends him a few photos of her explorations around the city she calls home now.

She hits places like Malibu and the Grove, but saves attractions she knows will be her favorites for later - for outings with _him_ , she hopes. She's itching to meander through the Getty Museum, spend hours in the aisles of The Last Bookstore and get lost in the halls of the Griffith Observatory.

But she's waiting for him.

She has no desire to wade through the tourist trap of Hollywood Boulevard, but she knows he'll want to her drag her through it for the kitsch of it all, hop on one of those eyeroll-worthy Hollywood Bus Tours to see where the stars live.

Four days after dinner at his place — a day after he's begun to initiate texts rather than just replies — she calls him as she's settling down for the night. She's just gotten out of a bath, water still prickling deliciously on her skin, hair piled on top of her head. She sits wrapped in a robe on top of her bed with a glass of red wine.

"To what do I owe this pleasure, Detective Beckett?" he greets her warmly, and _oh_ , someone sounds like he's in a good mood.

She bites her lip over a smile. "Hey, Castle. Just settling down for the night, thought I'd give you a call." Her shoulder comes up in a shrug he can't see. "Is that...okay?" she asks tentatively.

"It is," he confirms softly. The kindness in his voice makes her heart flutter.

"Good. What are you up to?"

"I may or may not be making a giant ice cream sundae."

She hums appreciatively. "That sounds so good right now. What's on it?"

"Chocolate peanut butter ice cream topped with chocolate syrup, sprinkles, whipped cream, sour patch kids and gummy bears."

Her stomach hurts just thinking about all that sugar. "Just let me know if you need someone to drive you to the hospital when you're done," she teases.

"Hey now," he protests.

She laughs. "Sorry, Castle."

He clears his throat, and she hears the sound of a spoon scraping against a bowl. "So," he starts, "judging by the photos you've been sending me, you're having quite the time getting to know the city."

"Mmm, yes. Except for the traffic, that is," she says, frowning.

"Ah, yes. Not one of the city's finer points. It also doesn't help that Los Angeles' public transportation leaves quite a lot to be desired."

"You can say that again," she sighs out. She's tried a couple of the subway lines and hopped on a couple of buses. Thankfully she didn't have anywhere to be at any certain time, otherwise she definitely would've been late. Time was not on her side — or on Los Angeles' side, she should say.

She supposes she should get used to that.

"What are you driving right now, anyway?" he asks.

"Once I start with the LAPD in a couple of weeks, I'll be issued a police vehicle, but my motorcycle is currently sitting in my Dad's storage locker in New York, so I'm still driving a rental car."

Castle winces on the other end. "Must be getting a little pricey, no?"

It's certainly taken a bigger hit on her wallet than she had originally budgeted for, but she hesitates to tell him that.

"Kate?"

She shakes her head, clearing her thoughts. "Sorry, I'm here. Yeah, it's a little more than I originally budgeted for." She takes a long sip of her wine, swiping her tongue over her lips. It's a little too heavy on her tongue, makes her mouth feel fuzzy, and she wishes she'd opted for something lighter at the store earlier.

Still, though. It's wine.

"Do you...want to use my spare for a few weeks? Until you get your cruiser, I mean?"

Heat creeps up her cheeks. He can't be talking about.. "You want me to drive the - "

"Slow your roll, Beckett. You're not getting your hands on that Ferrari that easily. I was talking about the town car."

"Damn," she murmurs. "So close."

His deep laugh curls into her belly, mingles deliciously with the wine. "I mean, if you're that disappointed…" he trails off.

"I am. Very much so," she plays it up, solemn.

"I need to spend tomorrow writing, but are you free Thursday?"

She falls back onto her pillow, and she could fall asleep just like this — cozy and sated, wine zipping pleasantly through her veins as his voice wraps around her, cocooning her in a way she hasn't felt in years.

She misses him so much she aches with it.

"I am. Did you have something in mind?"

He pauses. "We could take the Ferrari out to Malibu. Spend a few hours at the beach, what do you say?"

She hums, her eyes floating closed at the heavenly thought. "That sounds perfect."

"Great, I'll see you then?"

"See you then," she confirms.

"Good night, Kate."

"Until Thursday, Castle."

* * *

She tosses and turns Wednesday night, finally falling asleep in the wee hours of the morning. She ends up sleeping way later than she planned, even missing a few texts from him. Springing out of bed and tearing a hand through her sleep-rumpled hair, she calls him quickly, easier than trying to string together a few words when her brain is still foggy with sleep.

"Hey, are you okay?" he greets her. The gentle concern in his voice warms her insides. "You don't usually sleep this late."

She yawns, fumbling with the coffee pot as she sets it to brew. "Yeah, sorry I missed your texts. I had a hard time falling asleep last night."

"Oh. If you want, we can reschedule - "

"No," she says quickly. "I want to see you." Her hands wrap around the edges of the counter as she braces herself. "If you still want to see me, that is."

"I want to see you, Kate," he echoes.

Her eyes slam closed, her body sighing in relief. "Good," she breathes.

"What time did you wanna head out?"

She looks at the clock on her microwave, startled when she realizes how late she actually slept. It's nearly noon. She's glad now that she had the foresight to pick up supplies for their trip yesterday so she doesn't have to stop at the grocery store on the way to his place.

"I just need to gulp down some coffee and take a shower, so I should be able to get to your place by 1:30, if that works?"

"What if I pick you up instead?"

She relishes the thought of him picking her up, like it's a real date, but it doesn't really make much sense, geographically. "But your place is on the way," she points out.

"Yeah, but if I come get you, we can swing by my place on our way back from the beach and you can take my town car."

Oh, duh. "Right, the car." She nods. "I can be ready by 1, then."

"Great. Gives me time to pick up a few things on the way - "

"I did get a couple of things already," she interrupts, biting her lip. "Some fruit, cheese, pretzels, water. Some of that canned wine a friend recommended to me, The Infinite Monkey Theorum - "

"I'm sorry, _what_ did you just say? I'm not driving us to the beach to solve some kinky math problem, Beckett."

Kate barks out a laugh, rolling her eyes as she grabs a mug from her cupboard. "The Infinite Monkey Theorum, Castle. It's a brand of canned wine."

"You're making that up."

"I am _not_." Her laugh tinkles in her ears as she pours herself a cup of steaming coffee. Ungh, perfect. She swears she's already more alert.

"Prove it."

"I will, when you get here," she huffs out.

"Touche. I'll see you in an hour."

She smiles. "See you then."

She's throwing her hair in a loose bun atop her head when she hears his knock at the door. Anxiety pools low in her stomach at the thought of having him inside her place, yet another stark and harsh reminder that they aren't co-habitating.

Or, really, much of co-anything these days.

She's prepared for a shadow to fall across his face when he steps inside, but he's either remarkably good at schooling his features, or he waits until her back is turned.

"Hey," he greets her, a hesitant smile on his lips.

She smiles back. "I just need to grab my bag and snag the cooler from the kitchen," she explains, perching her sunglasses atop her head as her eyes rove the length of him. A set of swimming trunks are swung low on his hips and the loose t-shirt he threw on does absolutely nothing to hide the broad arms she's missed so much. Before he can catch her outright ogling him, she ducks her head to swing toward the bedroom to grab her bag.

She's wearing a bikini under her t-shirt and wrap, so she only had to throw in a towel, a change of clothes, sunscreen, a book and a couple of magazines earlier. When she reappears from the bedroom, Castle follows her into the kitchen, hands shoved into his pockets.

The cooler sits on the counter next to the fridge and she lifts the lid, showing off the contents with a triumphant smile.

His eyes fall to the contents, a smirk tipping his lips. "The Infinite Monkey Theorum," he notes, impressed.

"Are you gonna say you're sorry for doubting me?" she teases.

He huffs. "I never doubted you for a second."

And then the lighthearted moment crashed between them, under the weight of his words and all that they really implied under the surface. Of course he doubted her — she'd given him every reason to.

The shadow that was missing from his face when he stepped into her apartment is ever-present and standing in front of her right now.

She panics internally, desperate to move past the moment.

"I forgot to ask you," she stammers out. "Is alcohol even allowed on the beach?"

His blue eyes clear, but his mouth is still too tight, the lines of his body stiff. "Technically, no," he says slowly. "But I've broken the rules many times and haven't gotten caught."

"Okay. Good." She closes the lid on the cooler and hefts it off the counter. "Ready?" she asks quietly, half-prepared for him to change his mind.

He pastes some semblance of a smile onto his mouth. "Let's go."

* * *

Whatever awkward moment they had between them in the kitchen dissipates just a few miles into their drive. Castle relishes the purr of the engine beneath his body, the sun on his face. Kate is quiet next to him, but not unpleasantly so, he thinks. Her body relaxes against the seat, one of her legs crossed over the other, showing off the bare expanse of her golden thigh as her wrap shifts with her.

He swallows hard, realizing he will likely see his wife in a bikini today — if the black string around her neck is any indication. And the thought seems a little ridiculous, really, but it's been so long - almost two years since they've been intimate.

He grips the steering wheel tighter.

"You can hook up your phone if you want to change the music," he says inanely, even though there's no music playing right now to change.

Smooth, Castle.

"Hmm?" she hums, turning to him with a sleepy gaze.

"Oh, sorry. Were you trying to sleep?" How much trouble did she have sleeping last night?

She shakes her head, stretching her limbs a little. "Just got a little too cozy and I must've dozed off a little. Not used to all this sunshine," she jokes. "Is it cheesy to say that it's kind of wonderful?"

Castle smiles. "Not at all. One of the things that drew me to this coast."

He takes his eyes off the road for a second when she doesn't respond to his comment. She shoots him a half-smile that's meant to be reassuring, but it falls flat, doesn't reach the green specks in her eyes.

She clears her throat. "You said music?" She bends over to the floor of the car, fishing her phone out of her tote bag before she attaches it to the cord. Seconds later, the familiar notes of "Get Around" fill the space around them.

Castle coughs out a laugh. "The Beach Boys, Beckett? Really?"

She grins, leaning back in her seat once more with an arm propped behind her head as she pulls her Ray-Bans down over her eyes. The epitome of cool. "Seemed apropos."

"Indeed," he hums.


	7. Chapter 7

It's a weekday, but it's still summer in LA, so it takes Castle longer than he'd like to find a decent parking spot, and it's still a good trek down to the beach where they'll be.

"I'm sorry. I should've dropped you off with our stuff." He rubs the back of his neck, frustrated he hadn't thought of that ten minutes ago.

"No, it's fine," she reassures him as he shifts the car into park. "We don't have that much stuff. I've got my bag and the cooler."

"I brought a bag and a large blanket we can use. Also threw in a couple of beach chairs if you want."

Kate shrugs, the loose sleeve of her t-shirt falling down her shoulder a little, exposing a smattering of freckles. "I'm pretty content to lay on the sand, so you can leave them if you don't think it's worth it to lug them down."

Castle lifts a brow. "You sure?"

She threads her sunglasses through her hair so he can see her eyes again, like she knew he'd want to peer into them to make sure she wasn't just appeasing him.

But of course she knew.

"I'm sure, Castle."

* * *

He's already way too warm by the time they clamber down onto the shore and he swears his skin is starting to pink up. After they sprawl out onto the big blanket he lays down for them, he reaches into his bag for his sunscreen, but it isn't there. Damn.

"Something wrong?" Kate asks.

"I forgot the sunscreen in the car." He left it in the backseat the last time he brought his car up here and meant to swipe it and throw it in his bag.

"I've got some. You want the facial sunscreen or the body block?"

He frowns. "There are two different kinds of sun block?"

Her lips twitch at his confusion. "If I put regular sunscreen on my face, I break out, so I picked up one that's a little lighter and meant to be worn for your face."

"Oh." Huh, he never really considered that before.

"Here." She pulls out both bottles, one significantly larger than the other, and hands them off to him.

"Thanks."

He slathers some on his arms and hands, legs and tops of his feet before he covers his face and neck before he hands them back over to her.

"Do you want me to help you with your back?" she asks kindly.

"Oh. Uh, no, that's okay." It's just a split second, but he catches the shadow that crosses her face before she nods, turning back to the ocean.

She thinks - but, no -

"Kate," he says hastily.

She turns back to him, the breeze from the ocean tangling her hair around her face. "Hmm?"

"It's, just, ah, I'm not planning on taking my shirt off. That's all. Nothin' to do with you," he explains, trying to appear nonchalant.

She cocks her head, furrowing her brow. "It's pretty hot out, Castle."

He hesitates. "Remember what I told you about my ring?"

Her eyes dim as it dawns on her, the implications of what he's not saying. He's - well, insecure these days. "You should do whatever makes you comfortable then."

He swallows roughly, his tongue like sandpaper in his mouth. "Yeah."

She nods, her teeth at her lip, her tell that she wants to say more. The waves capture her attention once more as she gathers her thoughts.

It's not a big deal, really. He put on 20 pounds, nothing crazy, but he's let his insecurities get the best of him ever since she left - this one included. He'll figure it out soon but for now, he just needs to allow himself to hide a little bit.

"Rick?"

His gaze snaps up to hers. "Yeah?"

"I know that you and I are trying to work through some things," she starts, hesitating.

He lifts an eyebrow, prompting her to continue.

"But I've never stopped wanting you," she chokes out, her fingers curling in the sand. "Every part of you."

"Kate, I - "

"Do whatever makes you feel comfortable but please don't do it because you think that somehow I don't - "

"No," he says quickly. "I don't think that."

Her body sags in relief, her hands smoothing through the sand. "Good."

He watches her as she sits in silence for a few minutes, chin resting atop her knees as her hungry eyes devour the ocean. Kate always did love the beach, and now that he thinks about it, he doubts she's taken a trip to any beach since they split, the last time likely being the Fourth of July they spent in the Hamptons before she left him.

This move is good for her, he knows now. She can rest a little easier.

He eventually slides his eyes away from her to crack the spine of a new sci-fi novel he's been looking forward to reading since it was released a few weeks ago.

"Castle," Kate pops open a can of wine, a baggie filled with cubes of cheese in her lap. She gestures to the cooler. "You want anything right now?"

Hmm. He could go for a beverage. "Shoot me some Monkey Business."

She chokes out a laugh that makes his heart flutter, the sun catching the perfect light of her smile that breaks free. "Monkey _Theorum_ , Castle."

He grins, can't help but be thrilled to be the one to get that laugh out of her. "Same thing."

She rolls her eyes, still smiling, and passes him a cold can. He snaps it open with ease and lifts it to his mouth, taking a long, savoring sip.

"Monkey business doesn't taste half bad, Beckett."

She doesn't bother to correct him this time, indulging him. "Indeed."

Castle's thirty pages into his book, now a little sandy from him planting his drink into the sand and lifting it out several times, when she tosses her magazine down onto the blanket and peels her shirt off.

His mouth goes dry and he's not sure if it's the hot sun beaming down onto him, the alcohol's dehydrating effect or the sight of his wife practically half-naked in a black string bikini in front of him.

He's sure it's a combination of all three but given that this the most revealing he's seen Katherine Beckett in two years, he's putting most of his money on that one.

She brushes the sand from her hands and stands up before unzipping her shorts and shimmying them gently down her hips.

Fuck. She _is_ thinner, like he knew she was, but she's still as gorgeous as ever. His wife that he misses. The ache throbs dully in his chest, always reminding him of what they have to work through - the distance they still have to run to find their partners again.

Kate folds the shorts in half and tosses them onto the blanket. She looks down at him, amusement dancing in her hazel eyes. She pops a thumb over her shoulder.

"I'm going to go cool off. If you decide to close your mouth and stick those eyes back into your head, feel free to join me," she teases, and damn if it doesn't lighten the weight pressing on his chest.

He can't help but stare, a little dumbstruck, as she jogs away from him then, her long legs leading her down to the shoreline where the waves break. One crashes at her feet, the temperature likely startling her, and her yelp carries up the sand to him. He laughs.

Kate stills then, lifting her face to the sun as the ocean surrounds her, the combination gentling her as the stiff lines in her body relax. It makes him maudlin, how much he longs for this version of her all the time, along with the carefree side of himself, and who they were _together_ before all the awkward missteps and the anger.

He gets up from his spot on the sand, no longer content to sit and watch. If standing on the edge of the ocean with the sun in his face and his stunning wife at his side doesn't lift his spirits, surely he must be doomed to a life of misery.

He stops a foot behind her, goosebumps prickling on his skin as the frigid saltwater collides with his body heat.

"Mind if I join you?" he asks gently.

Kate drops her head, turns it over her shoulder to look at him. Her steady gaze and easy smile nearly knocks him on his feet. She licks her lips and he wonders if he pressed his mouth there if he would taste the salt from the ocean.

She stretches her hand out to him. "You never have to ask me that, Castle."

He slides his hand into hers and lets her tug him in.

* * *

Kate lays on her stomach a couple of hours later, a book laid out in front of her as she munches on a bag of grapes she packed. She pushes her hair out of her face, can feel the wild curls tangling down her back, thoroughly ravaged by the ocean.

Kate lifts her head to check on Castle, finds his face smashed into his book as he dozes, played out from the sun and the sand. She chuckles to herself; he looks adorable. She should probably wake him so he doesn't get too crispy from the sun. She's not sure he's reapplied since they got here, and even with his shirt on, he'll need to be careful.

Watching him now, her heart thumps painfully in her chest again as she recalls his earlier confession. She noticed that he'd put on a little weight, just as she's sure he noticed she'd lost some — even before their conversation a few nights ago about how their rings don't fit anymore.

They've both gone through a lot these last couple of years and honestly, she's amazed it hasn't taken a greater toll on them physically. She's certain he believes her when she says it doesn't matter to her, but she knows from her own experience that his confidence isn't going to magically appear thanks to a little validation from his estranged spouse.

Still. She wishes she could take that pain away. Well, she wishes she could take _all_ the pain away.

Kate leans over and lays a hand gently on his shoulder, so as not to startle him. "Rick," she says firmly.

His head jerks up, looks confused. "Whatsamatter?"

She shakes her head. "Everything's fine, but your skin is looking a little pink and I didn't want you to burn. Have you put any more sunblock on since we got here?"

He groans, shaking his head. "Forgot."

"Okay. You should probably take care of that unless you wanna look like Lobster Man."

His eyebrow furrows. "Lobster Man? That sounds kinda cool, actually."

She laughs. "Still out of it, hmm?"

He huffs, scraping a hand down his face. "I am totally with it, Beckett." She rolls her eyes as he slowly clambers up to a sitting position. She fumbles around for the sunscreen and tosses it toward him.

"Beckett! You almost hit me," he grumbles. She purses her lips together, biting back a laugh at the glare he levies at her.

"I did not, you big baby."

He mutters under his breath as he begins to reapply, and she can't take her eyes off him, struck by the normalcy of the exchange they just had. It leaves her craving more.

His bright blue eyes snag hers as he cocks his head. "You're staring. What?"

She blushes, her teeth colliding with her lip. "Nothing."

He grins, a wide beautiful thing that makes his eyes crinkle at the corners, sends her heart beating faster. "Beckett, you're blushing."

She groans, her head falling onto her arm, shielding the burn of her cheeks. "Shut up, Castle."

A moment passes before he speaks again. "Hey, Beckett."

She lifts her head. "Yeah?"

"You feel like building a sand castle with me?" he asks, propping his chin on his hand, eager. She doesn't know where his playfulness is coming from, but she's not about to look a gift horse in the mouth.

She smiles. "I would love to, but we don't have any tools."

He shrugs. "Surely there must be a child around here somewhere we can beg."

"Castle!" she laughs incredulously.

"What? I didn't say _steal_ , Beckett. That would be wrong," he says, feigning offense.

"I'll help you build a castle, Castle - " that makes him chortle, "but you're on your own for acquiring the proper devices."

"Fine, fine," he grumbles as he gets to his feet. "But I'm sticking you with moat construction."

"However will I survive," she deadpans.

* * *

 _Thanks for sticking with me. In the middle of a tendonitis / repetitive strain flare-up, so I appreciate your patience. I've been able to write during my lunch breaks and give my hands a rest at night, so I don't anticipate anything changing in terms of story posting, but just in case I have to eat my words later._


	8. Chapter 8

Two hours later, and Kate has to admit that their setup is pretty impressive. It only took Castle about 10 minutes to work his charm on a young family nearby — not that she is at all surprised by that — and he promised to return their gear to them before the two of them went packed up for the day.

"That's a pretty fine-looking tower, Mr. Castle," she compliments, standing with her hand on her hips as they admire their handiwork.

He beams. "Your moat isn't half-bad either, Beckett."

She thwaps him on the arm. "Half _bad_?"

"Okay, _fine_ , it's a wonderful moat. No one has ever built a better one - "

"Thank you - "

"Other than me."

" _Castle_."

"Sorry."

She narrows her eyes at him, but lets it go. "Does your phone still have a charge? I want a photo of it, but my cell is dead."

He brushes off his hands and walks the few steps to their stuff, fishing into his bag. "I think so. Haven't used it much today other than to check the time and check in with Mother and Alexis."

He holds his phone out to her. "Did you wanna take it?"

She shrugs. "You can. Just send it to me later."

He takes a few photos from a couple of different angles and she hops out of the way of the viewfinder, so he can get the view of the ocean behind it.

"Okay, now get back in the frame," he says.

Huh? "Y-you want me in the picture?" she stammers out.

"Only if you want to be."

"Oh. I, uh. Yeah, sure." But she's a little awkward about it, doesn't quite know how to stand or pose, so she stands off to the side a bit, the ocean a backdrop behind her, pasting a smile on her face.

"Beckett," Castle sighs, lowering his phone. "That is your fake smile you are wearing."

"It is not!" she protests, crossing her arms over her chest.

"Aren't you happy to be here with me?" he jokes.

He's kidding, she knows, but it still stings a little. Her arms come down to her sides. "Of course I am."

"Let's see it then," he commands.

So she props her hand on her hip, lifts her sunglasses over her forehead and through her hair to tame her mane a bit, a genuine smile on her lips. She'll show him.

"Perfect," he observes, snapping a couple of shots.

"All right, let me get one of you now," she gestures for his phone and they swap spots. "Is that your _genuine_ smile, Castle?" she mocks.

"Wow, Beckett, you are _so_ funny."

It's stupid, but she does laugh at that, and then he's laughing too, sending a spark bursting through her chest as she captures his laugh on camera.

"Excuse me, but would you and your husband like a photo together?" Kate turns her attention to an older woman approaching them, the woman's smile so bright it's infectious. Kate answers her smile with one of her own, until the question registers in her head.

"Oh, uh…" Beckett trails off, hesitating as she studiously avoids Castle's gaze, terrified to see rejection lingering there.

"That would be great, thank you." Her head snaps up at his reply and she's not sure what she expected to find, but the confusion that lines his face isn't it.

Tearing her eyes away from her husband, she hands the woman Castle's phone, fumbling a little bit, so unlike her. She needs to calm down, but this entire exchange is really throwing her off. She makes her way over to Castle and the hollow look in his eyes leaves goosebumps prickling on her arms. Is he really that opposed to taking a picture with her?

She slides an arm around his waist to press in the curve of his back. He stiffens and she pretends not to notice as his hand drapes loosely at her waist, his fingertips barely grazing the skin of her hip. She leans into his body a bit but it's still wrong, all wrong, and she doesn't know what happened in the last thirty seconds. Her other hand meets his at her waist for a moment, squeezing it gently in a last-ditch effort.

He does relax a little and she'll take what she can get, turning her attention to the older woman in front of them who's clearly oblivious to the tension between them. Kate smiles for her.

"Oh, you two are such a gorgeous couple," the woman gushes, her finger tapping the phone a few times in succession.

"Thank you so much," Kate says, her voice clogged with emotion as Castle disentangles from her to thank the woman and retrieve his phone. He shakes her hand, charming smile in place, and Kate gives her a little wave.

"It was great to meet you," she scrapes out.

"You, too, dear," the woman says warmly before she leaves them to continue her trek down the length of the beach.

Kate doesn't move, still as Castle brushes past her to start gathering the sand toys.

"I'm going to go return these so we can go," he says brusquely, avoiding her eyes.

What the hell just happened?

* * *

She's so close to falling asleep in the car, but her body thrums with the tension between them. Castle hasn't said a word to her since he left her to say goodbye to the young family that lent them the sand toys they used to build the castle.

The anxiety pools low in her stomach, makes her nauseous, and she - she can't do this.

"Pull over."

"W-what?"

"Castle, pull over. Please."

"Beckett, we're in the middle of the PCH, I - "

"Rick, _please._ " She's desperate and she doesn't care if he knows it. She needs some air.

"Okay, hang on," he says softly. He drives them another half a mile and finds a spot for them to pull off that's relatively safe from other cars passing by. As soon as the car comes to a stop and he puts his hazard lights on, she's out the door, sucking in the salty air.

She presses her back to the door, steadying herself as she lets her eyes flutter closed. Seconds later, she hears the driver's side door open and close and she knows he's stepped outside, too.

"Kate, what the hell?"

She spins around to face him, the wind whipping her hair around her face. She tucks it behind her ears impatiently. "Castle, what happened back there?"

He frowns. "What are you talking about?"

"I thought we were having a good day together and then something happened when that woman asked if we wanted a picture and somehow it all came crumbling down."

He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Can you just get back in the car and we can talk about this later?"

She ignores his words, her feet carrying her closer to him as she stops in front of the hood. "I've been trying really hard not to push you so if you felt like that's what I was doing, I - "

"Kate - "

"Castle - "

"Kate, you _rejected_ me back there," he spits, fire burning bright in his gaze.

She flinches. No, no - she would never. Not now, not - "What are you talking about?"

He groans, presses his fingers to the socket of his eyes and she's _so confused_. Jaw clenched, he takes a few steps toward her, nearly closing the distance now.

"She asked if we wanted our photo taken and you looked like you would rather do anything else in the world except stand next to your husband for a damn picture," he rasps.

"Rick, _no_ ," she wraps a hand around his arm and he flinches, but screw it. They're not fighting over yet another misunderstanding. "I was flustered because I didn't know what answer was going to make you the most comfortable." She sighs. "I didn't want to force you to stand next to me with a smile on your face and feel like you were pretending to be a happy husband."

He expels a breath. "We were having a great day."

She squeezes his arm. "Yes, we were, but it was just a misunderstanding. I don't want this to ruin it."

He sighs. "You're right."

"But you gotta know - I would never reject you."

He frowns. "Kate, you left."

"I wasn't rejecting you, Castle. It was never about not wanting to be with you or not loving you - that's never changed. Not for a _second."_ She pauses. "But I'm sorry for what I did, that I made you feel that way. I never want you to feel like that."

He nods. "Okay."

She wishes he would say more, but she's not going to press him on it. But she does step further into the cocoon of his body, eliminating the last of the distance between them as her arms wrap around his waist, her head falling into the crook of his neck, breathing him in.

It takes a moment, but then he embraces her, his chin coming down to rest on top of her head as his hand slides into the curve of her back, the other gently sifting through the waves of her hair.

"We're okay," she murmurs into his skin, reassuring herself more than him.

Emboldened by the strength in her words, he gently smudges his mouth against her forehead in a ghost of a kiss that's gone too quickly, leaves her shivering in his arms.

He holds her tighter. "We're okay," he confirms.

* * *

She knows they're fine when she gets home that night, his car in her possession now, and he sends her all the photos from their day at the beach - even the few with the two of them in the same frame.

Their smiles are a little tight with their misunderstanding, she thinks, but if she squints a bit she can see _them_ , who they are together underneath it all. Who they were before and, she hopes, who they're slowly getting back to being.

Still, to her surprise, he calls her the next morning as she's finishing an omelet on the stove as her coffee brews.

"Good morning," she greets him.

"Hey. Sleep okay last night?"

She smiles. "I did. Did you?"

He hums in agreement. "Wonderfully."

"Good."

"Did you happen to hear from Ryan or Esposito today?"

Kate frowns, flicking the stovetop off. "They called me a couple of hours ago but I was in the shower. Haven't had a chance to call them back yet. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah, no, it's fine. Just..."

Kate lifts an eyebrow. "Castle?"

"They want to visit. Soon. Like, really soon."

Hmm, that sounds a little...odd. "Both of them?"

"And Lanie."

"Something's up," Kate says reaching into a cabinet for a plate.

"Yeah, I think so, too," Castle agrees. "They're talking about next week."

Kate nearly drops the plate onto the floor. "Next _week_?"

"Yeah, I guess it's the only time in the next several months that both Ryan and Esposito are able to take vacation time at the precinct together, before Esposito becomes Captain."

She bites her lip. "Right, the interim captain is set to transfer soon." Damn.

"Kate, the timing…"

"Yeah, it sucks. My start date with the LAPD is week after next," she sighs. She wanted to spend most of that time with Castle - at least as much time as he wanted to.

"Do you want to tell them it's a bad time?"

"I mean, yes, but no." She pinches the bridge of her nose. "These last two years...It's been hard on them, too, you know? _I've_ been hard on them. But they were always there, and patient with me. I feel like I owe it to them."

He's silent on the other end and she wonders how much they've told him.

"What do you think? Are you...okay with this?" she asks.

"I think they've put up with a lot from the two of us the last several months, so I think the least we can do is entertain them for a few days. You and I have time," he says softly.

She expels a breath, relieved to hear him say that. "You're right."

"The more I think about it, the more I think maybe could be good for all of us. Take some of the pressure off," he says, and the optimism in his voice is so Castle that it makes her heart squeeze in her chest.

She smiles. "I think you're right, Castle."

* * *

 _Something is up with Lanie, Ryan and Esposito...and it might just have to do with an Esplanie reconciliation..._

 _As always, thanks for reading!_


	9. Chapter 9

After Kate finishes her breakfast and ends her call with Castle, she spends another afternoon in the sun, lounging outside by the pool that her apartment complex lists as one of its many amenities. She finds an umbrella this time, gives her body a little break from the sun's rays.

Lanie texted her during her conversation with Castle — Kate imagines her friend just found out the boys called him — and the medical examiner promised to call her soon on her lunch break. Kate still speaks to her best friend regularly, but it's tense occasionally — their friends were rightfully upset when they discovered the truth behind why she moved out of Castle's loft, and what she'd been doing behind their backs. And even though it's been months since everything happened, her relationship with Castle isn't the only thing that needs a little special care.

Lanie's photo fills the screen of her phone 20 minutes later.

Beckett marks her place in her book before she swipes to answer the call. "Hey, Lanie."

"Kate, I am so sorry, I wanted Ryan and Esposito to wait to call Castle until I talked to you but they told me they just called him and I swear to _God_ I'm going to kill Javier - " she rushes out.

She laughs, ending her friend's nervous rambling. "No, Lanie, it's totally okay. Maybe the boys are just excited."

"They are," Lanie confirms. "Ryan is dying to get a little break from Jenny and the kids and Javi and I…" but she doesn't finish whatever she was going to say, just goes quiet.

Kate's jaw drops as she sits up quickly, knocking her glass of water to the grass below her. Whoops. "Wait, Lanie. Are you coming out here because you and Esposito are - "

She'd been both shocked and unsurprised as anyone when Lanie and Espo got back together about a year ago, seemingly both finally ready to make a commitment and come together on what they both wanted.

"I don't want to tell you over the phone," Lanie hedges, excitement clear in her voice.

"Oh my god - "

"I know."

"I'm so happy for you. You really deserve this," Kate's throat clogs with emotion for her friend. "We'll have such a good time celebrating when you get here."

"Yeah, about that. Girl, are you sure this is okay? I know you and Castle are trying to work through some things and I don't want the boys and I to jeopardize that."

"No, we talked about it, and we think it could be a good thing, you know? Maybe it'll take some of the pressure off and we can all just be together and have a good time," Kate reassures her.

"We have to pencil in at least one night for just the two of us, all right? Wine, snacks, and no foolish men allowed."

Beckett laughs. "You got it, Lanie."

* * *

Castle sees Kate again a few days before their friends are set to arrive in the city. She hosts him in her apartment this time, and he brings over a bottle of wine and Chinese takeout so they can try to make loose plans for when the trio gets here.

"I know they already booked a hotel room, but would you be okay if I offered to let them stay with me? I have two extra rooms set up for guests." She'd be the only one not staying in Castle's condo, and he doesn't want her to feel isolated from the rest of them.

"I mean, it's not like they can really stay with me. I just have the one bedroom." She shrugs, slipping a bite of sweet and sour chicken between her lips.

"I know," he lays a hand on her bare knee, sweeping his thumb across her skin. "I just don't want you to feel left out." They haven't moved beyond these little touches, but he finds that it grounds him — taking it slow while they continue to have tough conversations.

Though those might have to wait until after their friends leave.

She lays her hand on top of his, and squeezes it gently. "That's sweet of you, Castle, and I appreciate that, but I'm fine. Promise." She shoots him a reassuring smile and he knows she's telling the truth.

"Okay." He smiles, sliding his hand away from hers to grab the last egg roll. "Wanna split it?"

She shakes her head, a few strands of hair falling from the loose bun she has tied at the nape of her neck. "All yours."

"Sweet." He snags it and takes a bite. "Are there any must-dos on your mental list while they're here that we can take into consideration?"

"I promised Lanie a girls' night, so if there's something you wanted to do with just Ryan and Esposito, we should try to coordinate that. She and I can really do our thing any of the nights they're here." Kate lifts her wine glass from its spot on the coffee table and tucks a foot under her knee, relaxing into the sofa.

It hits him then - all the memories they have together of nights just like these, curled up next to each other on the couch with food and wine.

Truly, they were always his favorite nights. Hers, too.

"Oh, great. That's perfect."

"I'd also love to see an outdoor movie if we can. There's probably a schedule of those we can find online, right?"

Castle nods eagerly. "Yeah, there are a _ton_ of free ones throughout the summer all over the city. And there might be a good one playing at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery while they're here."

Kate nearly chokes on her wine, pressing a hand to her chest. "I'm sorry, what?"

Castle rolls his eyes, a habit he picked up from her. "Don't give me that, Beckett. They have them there all the time. It's a _thing_."

"It's a cemetery," she deadpans.

"Oh, are you scared?"

Kate scoffs. "Castle, please."

"So what's the problem then?"

Her head tips back on a groan. "Fine, but one glimpse of a ghost and I am leaving you behind to fend for yourself."

He gasps. "Beckett, I can't believe you would do that to me. You wouldn't even _try_ to protect me after - " He stops, looks at her. "Wait a minute, you don't even believe in ghosts."

She smirks, and oh yeah, she's _totally_ messing with him.

"Wow, not funny," he pouts.

She laughs. "That was priceless, Castle. You should've seen the look on your face."

"Now I'm glad I didn't share my egg roll with you," he huffs, sticking the last bite in his mouth.

"Yeah, that doesn't exactly mean much considering I didn't even want it in the first place," she points out.

He just blinks at her, buying himself time for a retort, but he comes up empty. "I have no good comeback for that."

She grins behind her wine glass. "I know." Damn. Score one for Beckett.

"I should get going soon," he says regretfully, running a hand through his hair.

The truth is, the more time they spend together, the easier it's been getting. They've been moving pretty slow, but it seems to be working out for them, so far, so he doesn't want to jinx it.

She's gazing at him with a hint of amusement and something else that he can't quite place. "What?"

"Just," she trails off, biting her lip. "You fussed up your hair just now when you were," she gestures with her hands, "It's kind of adorable."

His heart skips a beat. How does she do this to him after all this time? "Yeah?"

She flushes, her eyes bright. "Yeah," she says softly.

She's close enough for him to touch right now, inches away, and he so badly wants to fall onto her perfect pink mouth after a goddamn lifetime away, but his brain doesn't seem to be as willing a participant as the rest of his body.

It just doesn't feel right. Not yet.

Kate seems to sense his internal struggle because she breaks the spell, tearing her eyes from his as she clears her throat. "Do you wanna take a quick walk before you head out? It's a beautiful night outside."

"That sounds perfect." He pats his stomach, makes a face. "I should really work off that last egg roll, anyway."

She rolls her eyes. "Let's go, Castle."

* * *

LAX is an utter nightmare the day their friends arrive. Castle was kind enough to rent an SUV for the week, so the five of them could comfortably travel together during the length of their stay, but that meant that he was navigating a car he wasn't familiar with while tourists spilled through the airport doors in droves. Did everyone in the country decide to descend upon Los Angeles on the same Summer Saturday?

It sure seemed like it.

Castle grips the steering wheel tight now, his body thrumming with tension as the cars in front of them crawl along, darting erratically as they approach the terminal. Kate has been in communication with Lanie, who just texted her to say that they just got off the plane and are heading to baggage claim.

"Why don't we park the car instead of pulling up to the curb?" Kate suggests.

"I can handle the car, Kate," Castle grits out.

"I know," she says, keeping her tone even. It's not like him to get stressed out about something like this, and she knows it's more, that he's nervous about this week with them and how they'll deal with it without officially being together. "But then we can take our time and not have to worry about dealing with the congestion. And if they have to wait for their bags, it's going to be at least ten minutes anyway."

He sighs, relaxing a little. "Okay."

She lays a hand on his thigh and squeezes, hoping she can melt the tension away from him a little bit. He takes his eyes off the road for a second to shoot her a little half-smile as his hand drapes over hers briefly.

"Our friends are here, Castle," she reminds him with a grin.

His smile broadens at that, boyish and happy, tipping into his eyes where the light finds him. There he is. "Our friends are here."

* * *

Kate envelopes her best friend in a tight hug as soon as she spots her, pulling back a moment later to look for a certain ring on her left hand.

"Oh, Lanie," Kate says as she takes the medical examiner's hand in hers. "It's perfect. It screams you."

Lanie smiles. "Javier did a good job," she looks over her shoulder at her fiance, who's in the middle of a three-way bro fest with Ryan and Castle. "Though I'm sure Ryan helped," Lanie whispers to her.

Kate laughs. "I'd say that's a safe bet."

Lanie takes a steps back, her gaze running the length of Kate's body. "California looks like it's treating you right, girl," she hums. "You're all sun-kissed and everything. I'm gonna need some of that before I go back to New York."

"I'm sure we can drag the boys to the beach for the day," Kate says loudly, winking.

"Yo, did I hear you right?" Esposito pops his head over Lanie's shoulder. "Beckett, I _do_ not do sand," he grumbles, stepping in to wrap his former boss in a hug. "And I know Honeymilk's pasty white Irish skin can't handle too much sun. Boy would shrivel up."

Ryan greets Beckett before socking his partner in the shoulder . "Shut up, Espo."

"Lanie," Castle preens, all traces of his earlier irritation in the car gone. "Let me see the ring."

Lanie sticks out her arm, wiggling her fingers.

"Nice!" Castle whips to Espo. "Did Ryan help you pick this out?"

Esposito scoffs. "I refuse to dignify that question with an answer."

"You should've seen the one he wanted to pick out," Ryan stage whispers to Kate, eyes wide. "So gaudy." He makes a face.

Esposito claps him on the back. "But at least I don't use words like 'gaudy.'"

Kate rolls her eyes. "Maybe we can continue this argument in the car, huh, guys?"

Esposito pats his stomach. "Beckett, can we stop for food on the way to Castle's?"

"Yeah, we're hungry," Ryan adds, nodding vigorously.

Beckett purses her lips, stifling a laugh as she shares a look with Castle. Some dynamics never change, huh?

Lanie rolls her eyes. "The two of you, I swear. I don't know how I'm going to put up with you for the next week."

* * *

 _As always, appreciate you reading and any thoughts you may have. - Liv_


	10. Chapter 10

"So what's going on with you and Writer Boy now?" Lanie asks, curling her feet under her as she reaches for her wine glass on Castle's coffee table. The group picked up a few pizzas on the way home from the airport, and now Kate and Lanie are settled against the couch while the boys are off playing a video game in Castle's entertainment room, off from his office.

Kate cranes her neck to make sure the guys are safely out of earshot. "We're just kind of taking it slow. One step at a time."

Lanie raises a brow. "So you're not back together?"

Kate hesitates. "Officially? No. We've been spending a lot of time together and talking. The camaraderie we used to have is...getting there," she hedges.

"And he's not seeing anyone else?"

Kate flinches. "Lanie," she says sharply.

"What?" Lanie sets her wine glass down. "I don't think it's an unfair question. The two of you were separated for nearly two years."

"Yeah, but - "

"But what?" Lanie interrupts. "Kate, I don't think Castle could ever be with someone the way he was with you, and the way you broke his heart...I doubt he would really be inclined to even look someone else's way, but I don't think a little clarity could hurt, either."

Kate shakes her head. "I appreciate the advice, but I'm not going to insult him by asking him if he's dating other people."

Lanie shrugs. "All right, then I will."

Kate laughs in disbelief. "What?"

"Look, there's nothing wrong with taking it slow - you guys have to find your ground again. I just want you to be careful," her friend says. "I'll be discreet."

Kate rolls her eyes. "Famous last words."

Lanie shoots her a look. "Would you just trust me?"

"Fine. But seriously, I want _nothing_ to do with this. I trust Castle."

The medical examiner winks. "Girl, I got you."

That's _exactly_ what Kate is afraid of. "Just - " But the boys step into the room then, effectively ending Kate's warning, Espo looking sullen while Ryan grins, fist-bumping Castle behind Javier's back.

"Baby, did you lose?" Lanie asks, eyes flitting between them.

He scoffs in disbelief. "No."

"He lost _so_ bad," Castle says a little too gleefully, clapping his friend on the shoulder. "It's all right, 'Sito. We can't all be good the _millionth_ time we've played Smash Brothers."

Esposito glowers at him, and _oh_ she is definitely inserting herself in this one.

"Esposito, did Castle ever tell you about my first time playing Smash and how I beat the pants off him?" Beckett asks innocently. "Not once, not twice, but _three_ times."

"Beckett," Castle whines. "That was supposed to be a _secret_."

Kate cocks her head, barely suppressing a laugh. "You wanna keep a secret from our friends? I'm surprised at you, Castle." He narrows his eyes at her for that one.

Esposito smirks. "Bro, you got beat by a girl?"

"Watch it, Espo," Beckett warns, glaring at him.

"Javier Esposito, I know I did not just hear you say that," Lanie adds.

Esposito winces. "Girl, you know I was just playin'."

Ryan coughs. "Way to put your foot in your mouth.

While their friends bicker, Beckett snags Castle's gaze, nodding her head toward the kitchen. She gets up from her spot on the floor, grabbing her glass and her empty plate before he trails after her to the other room.

"You okay?" he asks.

"Oh yeah, I'm fine," she reassures him, placing her dishes in the sink. "Just wanted to let you know that I'm going to head out."

"Oh." He frowns. "You sure? It's still a little early."

She shrugs, flicking her wrist to check the time on her father's watch. "Yeah, but they've had a long trip and they're still on New York time, so I'm sure they're probably ready to settle in for the night."

He hesitates, doesn't seem satisfied at that, and she swears he looks a little...disappointed? "You can stay here, you know. The couch will be empty and I don't mind - "

Oh yeah, he's definitely disappointed.

"Castle." She stops him, cocking her head. "What's this about?"

He sighs. "I don't know. Just — the separation sometimes. It gets to me. Even after…" he waves his hand, "all this time."

Oh, yes. She knows _exactly_ what he's talking about. "I feel like I'm hyper aware of it now being around Lanie and Esposito," she confesses.

"What if we're never that happy again?" he asks miserably and goddamn it if it doesn't sock her right in the gut. The guilt finds her once more, sinking into her bones at the pit of his despair. God, she absolutely hates this.

Before she can overthink it, she steps into him, wrapping her arms around his middle as she lays her head on his shoulder. Her body sinks into his, safely cocooned, already exponentially relieved at his touch. They both need this.

His broad palms settle at the curve of her spine as he sighs deeply, his cheek falling to rest atop her head.

"That wasn't meant to be a guilt trip you know," he murmurs.

She presses a swift kiss into his neck. "I know."

His arms tighten around her. "I meant what I said about staying."

"I don't have anything here, though. Maybe tomorrow night, if you don't change your mind."

"I'm not going to change my mind, Kate. It's just the couch," he says softly, one of his hands lifting to comb gently through the ends of her hair, soothing her. She just wants to stay here just like this for the rest of the night, bodies still and safe while the world sleeps.

It isn't _just_ the couch, Kate knows. She has no doubt she won't be sleeping in his bedroom if she stays over tomorrow night, but she's not naive enough to think that her staying over in his home isn't going to affect them — whether positively or negatively, she isn't sure.

But it's not "just the couch." And he knows it, too.

She reluctantly slides out of his grasp, immediately missing the warmth of his embrace, the play of his fingers in her hair. The ache is strong tonight. She sees it in his eyes, too, has to duck her head to avoid his hollow gaze. "I'm just going to say goodbye to them quick."

"You're okay to drive - with the wine you had?"

Her head snaps up. "Castle," she chides, lifting an eyebrow. "Are you serious right now?"

"Sorry," he winces. "You're an adult. I - sorry."

She almost rolls her eyes, but she knows he's hurting right now, that their friends' engagement is affecting them more than maybe they thought it would. He's a little needy. They both are.

And she gets it. As ecstatic as she is that their friends are finally happy and completely committed to each other, the reminder of what she and Castle have been struggling to hold onto stings.

Giving them both a semblance of something to cling to, she leans into him, sweeping a kiss across his cheek. When she steps back, his eyes shine brighter than she's seen all day.

Oh, Castle. Her hand lifts to tousle a little in the hairs at the nape of his neck, giving into the vulnerable air between them.

"I'll call you in the morning so we can figure out what we're doing," she promises.

He smiles, and it lights his boyish face up even more. "Perfect."

* * *

Lanie and Kate haven't quite managed to convince Ryan and Esposito to hit the beach the next day, but they settle on exploring the Santa Monica Pier and the surrounding area, a nearby tourist spot that's just a few miles away from Castle's place.

Kate hasn't made it to the pier yet herself since she moved to the city, but it's almost always crawling with people, and she just hasn't felt up to dealing with the crowds. She's not really thrilled about the idea today, either, but it's important to her friends.

She's pretty sure Castle loves it there, too.

"We'll go this once with them and then we never have to go again if you don't want to," Castle promises her over the phone that morning. The foregone conclusion of his "we never have to go again if you don't want to" sends a grin cracking over her lips, almost makes her forget about the fact that she doesn't even really want to go to begin with.

When Kate arrives at Castle's condo that morning with coffee, bagels and cream cheese for everyone, she's nearly taken aback by the power of his smile when he greets her.

Her arms laden with breakfast goodies, he ditches the hug in favor of a kiss at her cheek that leaves her toes curling inside her tennis shoes. She doesn't know when the two of them will rekindle things sexually, but she's clearly not prepared if a kiss on the cheek is doing things to her insides.

"Bagels?" he asks with the waggle of an eyebrow. "Did you get - "

"Your favorite?" She hands off one of the bags to him as she follows him through the doorway. He peers inside the bag, groaning at the sight.

"You have no idea how much I needed this this morning," he says, his eyes darting to the space around them as she follows him into the kitchen. They're alone, but she thinks she can make out the sounds of Ryan talking to someone, as well as the din of a hair dryer.

"You okay, Castle?" she asks in amusement, easing the tray of coffees onto the counter.

He pinches the bridge of his nose. "My room...is right next to Lanie and Esposito's," he stage whispers.

Kate's mouth drops. "You mean…"

"Oh, yes," he nods vigorously.

Kate winces. "I would've thought that after a day of traveling - "

"I know! Me too."

"How much sleep did you get last night?" The dark circles under his eyes _do_ look a little more prominent today.

"Not much," he admits. "Might have to pick up some ear plugs while we're out today."

Kate presses her lips together, tamping down a laugh. "Where is Ryan sleeping?"

"In the guest room down here. But I can't exactly ask him to switch with them, can I?"

"No," Kate agrees slowly. "Can you switch with Ryan?"

"And tell him what? Even if I made up a good excuse, he'd see right through it after just one night," Castle points out, reaching for the coffee tray. Kate points to the one on the far left - a sugary concoction that she's regretting picking out for him now that she knows about his sleepless night.

"Do you want mine? Yours is pretty sweet. I don't want you to crash in an hour."

He shakes his head. "This is fine. Thanks, though."

She bites her lip, still thinking. "You could sleep on the couch?"

"Not if you're staying over. Did you bring your stuff?"

She nods. "It's in the car. But your sleep is more important than - "

He shakes his head. "No, Kate."

Well, he could….but no, she probably shouldn't suggest it.

"You have an idea," he observes, eyes running the length of her face.

"I mean, yes, but I don't know how you're going to feel about it."

He cocks his head. "Never going to find out if you don't say it, Beckett."

She rolls her eyes, retrieving a bagel from the bag along with a small container of cream cheese. Castle opens a nearby drawer and hands her a knife.

"I was _going_ to say that you can sleep on the couch with me. It folds out, right?"

He nods. "Yeah, but…"

She shrugs, licking a smear of excess cream cheese from her thumb. "I mean, the couch is in the living room. Nothing's going to happen, and I feel like we've made enough progress that it wouldn't be weird, right?"

He rubs the back of his neck. "Yeah, that's true. And you're fine with that?"

"Of course." But even as she says it, she swears her voice goes up another octave. Of course she's fine with it - she's more than fine with it - but she isn't sure she's going to want to keep her hands to herself once they start sharing a bed again.

"All right, then. Done." He smiles. "You're a genius, Beckett."

Ha, she thinks to herself, that remains to be seen.


	11. Chapter 11

They spend some time walking through the promenade in Santa Monica before they head down to the pier. Castle loves the evening atmosphere at the pier anyway, prefers it over the day when there seem to be more crying children and cranky parents sweating under the blistering sun.

By early evening, Castle swears he hears everyone's stomach growling, the bagels having been the only thing they've really consumed all day, apart from some snacks here and there at the outdoor mall.

They take dinner to a vote - he's in the mood for Mexican, and Kate chimes in that she'd kill for a margarita, which sounds pretty perfect to him, too. But then Esposito spots Bubba Gump Shrimp and dives into his horrible Forrest Gump impersonation and it's all downhill from there.

Ugh, Mexican will have to wait.

"Maybe they have margaritas here?" Castle murmurs to Beckett as they step inside the sea-themed restaurant. She slides her sunglasses through her caramel hair and snakes a hand around his arm, leaning into him a bit.

"I'm sure we can find something alcoholic and suitable," she says with a grin. The sun has really taken to her skin over the last few weeks, and he spots several freckles adorning her nose and cheeks that he's not sure he's ever really seen before, even in the New York summers.

California looks good on her, and the thought alone makes him feel lighter.

"Am I gonna have to carry you out of here before the end of the night?" he chuckles, wrapping an arm around her waist, the tips of his fingers brushing against a sliver of tan skin that shows beneath her t-shirt. She flushes pleasantly at his touch, eyes bright with surprise.

She arches an eyebrow, challenging him. "You wish."

 _Fuck_. She's going to kill him.

He nearly stumbles as they follow a waiter back to their table, Esposito throwing them a curious look over his shoulder.

"Looks like I'm not going to be the one who needs carried out of here before the night's over, Castle," Kate teases.

Was it really his idea to share a pullout bed with her tonight?

* * *

After two margaritas, the alcohol is pleasantly flowing through Castle's blood as he polishes off his shrimp basket.

Unfortunately for all of them, it's pleasantly throwing through Esposito's, as well.

"Mama always said - "

Castle groans, his head falling into his hands, but Lanie is already on it, shoving a piece of chicken into her fiance's mouth. "If I hear that god _awful_ impression come out of your mouth again tonight, Javier, you are sleeping on the floor," Lanie grumbles, sticking a fry between her lips.

"But our friends are enjoying it!" he protests.

Beside Castle, Kate coughs loudly and Castle's gaze shifts to Ryan, who clears his throat. Esposito's eyes dart between the group, his face slipping into a picture of betrayal. " _Oh_ , I see how it is. It's okay for Castle to make bad impressions, but not me?"

Rick scoffs in disbelief. "Okay, one," he ticks off a finger, "I don't even make them that often," he ticks off another, "and two - my impressions are _not_ bad. Guys, tell him." He looks to Kate for confirmation, but she studiously avoids his gaze, focused instead on the view from their window. Ryan winces, shooting Castle a helpless shrug.

"I plead the fifth," the Irish detective says.

"They're bad, Castle," Lanie interjects. "But they are better than Javi's."

"Wow, _okay_ , looks like I need another margarita," Castle huffs. "Flag down the waiter when you see him."

"Sure I can't convince you to split a cookie sundae with me instead?" Kate asks all-too-innocently, laying a warm hand on his shoulder.

"Are you trying to make up for insulting me by bribing me with chocolate chip cookies and ice cream?"

"Yes."

He pauses dramatically. "You always did know the way to my heart, Beckett."

 _And to a few other things_ , he thinks to himself as she settles a palm on his knee and squeezes, her hazel eyes sparkling. He's surprised that their touches have actually grown more frequent with the presence of their friends, and he wonders if the reminder of what they all used to be together is the force driving it.

Well, what they all _still_ are together. Their dynamic, the camaraderie between all five of them, doesn't really feel any different, despite the distance that still lingers between him and Kate. Everything is still the same with their friends and it's such a huge relief. He'd hoped them making the trip out here would be beneficial for all of them, but he had his doubts.

After they put in their dessert order, Ryan's phone rings across the table.

"Sorry, guys, it's Jenny," he apologizes, rising from his seat. "I wanna say good night to her and the kids."

"Go, go," Kate waves him off. "And give Jenny our love."

Ryan nods, smiling, and unlocks his phone, lifting it to his ear as he starts to make his way toward the exit. "Hey, sweetie…"

"You know," Esposito says, "Those kids have really been driving him crazy these last couple of weeks, but he makes Jenny send him photos of them every hour."

Kate laughs. "That sounds about right."

"I'll have to remember to make him show me a few of them later," Castle says. He hasn't seen Jenny or the kids since the last time he was in New York, when Kate broke the news to him that she was moving to Los Angeles. He's sure they've grown so much since then.

"Make sure you set aside a solid hour for that, Castle," Lanie hums. "He'll talk your ear off about those little ones."

"You say that like he minds," Kate jokes, knocking her shoulder into his and letting it linger.

"It's true," he replies on a wistful sigh. "What I wouldn't give for Alexis to be that little again."

His wife goes stiff beside him then, removing herself from his space. He opens his mouth, confused as Lanie and Esposito go uncharacteristically silent, their curious gaze flitting between the two of them.

 _Wait_ , what is happening right now -

He turns to Kate, but she's rising to her feet, a little clumsily, her napkin falling to the floor. "I'm just gonna get some fresh air for a minute. Be right back." Her eyes find his, but there's pain flickering there and it's all too brief, wrong, and her smile that's meant to be reassuring doesn't reach her eyes.

"Are you okay?" Castle asks, concerned.

"Yeah. I'll be right back." Her hand brushes the tops of his shoulders as she scoots past him toward the door.

Once out of earshot, Castle turns back to his friends. "I'm not imagining it, right? Something happened just now?"

Lanie bites her lip, hesitating as she looks to Esposito for help. He shrugs.

"Guys, what is it?"

"Bro, it's really not our business. Go talk to Beckett," Esposito says, nodding toward the door. "We'll hold down the fort here until you get back."

"All right," Castle says, slowly. "I'll be right back."

Esposito shoots him a half-smile. "Take your time."

Castle walks outside the restaurant to find her leaning against the railing that separates them from the water, her forearms bracing her body as she stares out at the ocean. The sun has just begun to set, the perfect backdrop, and if he wasn't so concerned about her, he would pull out his phone and snap a photo.

Another time.

"Kate," he says gently to avoid startling her before he lays a hand on her shoulder.

She turns her head, brushing her wind-tangled hair out of her face, guilt etched in her features. Her eyes are rimmed red as if she's been crying. "Sorry," she rasps, shaking her head. "I didn't mean to leave abruptly like that. I just needed a minute."

"Tell me," he implores, bending over to rest his arms on the railing, matching her stance.

"What you said about wishing Alexis was little again."

Castle frowns. "Yeah?"

"It just made me think about…" she trails off, biting her lip.

"What?"

She groans, frustrated. "It's stupid."

"If it has you this upset Kate, then it isn't stupid. It's important, and I'd like to hear it," he says gently.

"It made me think about our children," she blurts out.

"Our - "

"I wasted _two years_ of our lives, Rick. I'm going to be 38 this year," Kate chokes out, tearing a hand through the tangled waves of her hair. "What if we can't have kids because I screwed up again?"

His heart cracks in two. She's upset because she's worried they won't be able to have children of their own? Oh, Kate.

"Hey," he soothes, lifting a thumb to brush her wet cheek. "We still have plenty of time. Women give birth in their late 30s and into their 40s all the time now."

"I know, but we're still trying to repair our marriage. We're not exactly ready to bring a child into this world soon," she says miserably.

"I think we've been doing a pretty decent job so far. A few bumps here and there," he says with a shrug.

She shoves away from the railing, fire in her body. "How can you be so calm about this? Aren't you angry?"

He scrubs a hand down his face. "Kate - "

She takes a step closer to him. "Rick, what if we can't have the family we want?" she whispers.

Castle sighs, pushing away from the railing to stand once more. "Kate, come here."

Her body deflates at that, and he can feel her trembling as she steps into his space. His hands lift to bracket her face, his forehead falling to kiss hers. God, he still loves her so much.

"We already have the family I want. You, me, my mother, Alexis, Ryan, Jenny, Esposito, Lanie. We're trying to put those pieces back together again, but...you're it," he says softly. "I know you want to be a mother and I would be over the damn moon to be a father again. When the time is right and you and I are back to where we need to be, we'll start trying. And if it doesn't happen naturally, then we'll adopt or foster or whatever."

Her eyes slam closed. "Rick…"

He shakes his head. "Our lives have been hard enough for the last two years without me or you beating yourself up over this." He smudges his mouth against her forehead, warm from the sun. "Besides, don't you remember, Senator Beckett? _Three_ children."

She chokes out a watery laugh, nudging his head with hers. "Shut up," she grumbles.

They're silent for a minute, resting against each other, just breathing —

Being.

"You feelin' any better?" he murmurs.

She nods against him. "Yeah. Thank you."

"Ready to head back inside? Esposito's probably eaten our dessert by now."

Kate chokes out a laugh. "Not if he knows what's good for him."

* * *

They all split up a bit for the last hour or two that they spend on the pier. Castle was worried Ryan would feel too much like a fifth wheel if they coupled up, but Ryan was off on his own solo mission to find some souvenirs for Jenny and the kids.

Way overpriced, Castle is sure, but the detective would be hard-pressed to find any mementos in the entire city that weren't annoyingly priced.

Castle isn't sure where Lanie and Esposito went off to, but he's too busy trying to convince Kate to join him on a few of the rides.

"What about the ferris wheel?" he hops on his toes excitedly. She shivers in the teal Santa Monica zip up sweatshirt he'd forked over 50 bucks for after finding goosebumps prickling all over her arms half an hour ago. He knew she wouldn't drop that cash when she'd had perfectly good clothes at home - that she just didn't think about bringing with her tonight - and she'd been surprised when he returned from his trip to the bathroom with it in his hands.

So simple, but completely worth the look on her face.

"I don't know, Castle," she says now, looking up at the top of the ride.

"Beckett, that view is killer."

She rolls her eyes. "It's _dark_ ," she points out.

"Still killer," he says. "Besides, we can cuddle for warmth since you're clearly still cold."

"I am not," she protests even as she bounces a little.

He makes a show out of running his eyes over the length of her. "Your Honor, I give you the People's Exhibit A."

"Okay, _fine,"_ she groans. "Let's get on the ferris wheel."

He grins. "I knew I'd wear you down."

"Story of our relationship, Castle," she says with a smirk.

" _Wow,_ Beckett. That one hurt," he pouts.

The light in her eyes sparkling, she shyly slips her hand into his, soothing her barb at him a little. His breath catches in his throat and he fits his calloused fingers in between hers, still a perfect fit. She's edges closer to him, inches away, the bright lights of the pier dancing across her face as she tilts her head up to look at him. His other hand finds her cheek, his knuckles sweeping at her jaw.

"I'm going to kiss you now," he rasps.

His gaze fall to the hard work of her throat as she swallows, her eyes fluttering closed. His thumb brushes across her bottom lip and her reaction is instantaneous, shuddering as her free hand grips the edge of his shirt tightly.

His forehead falls onto hers. "Kate," he breathes out, already overwhelmed.

"Rick, please," she whimpers.

And then his mouth crashes onto hers like waves breaking at the shore.


	12. Chapter 12

After they arrive back at the condo, Lanie and the boys retire to their rooms while Castle and Beckett linger in the living room. Kate collapses into a comfy chair, her feet dangling over an arm.

"You wanna stay up for a little while or hit the hay?" he asks.

She hums noncommittally, her eyes slipping closed. It's weird, he thinks, how at home she looks here. He definitely doesn't hate it, but it's...surreal.

"We can go to bed, Kate," he says, amused.

She shakes her head. "I'm kind of tired, but I wouldn't mind staying up to watch TV for a little while."

"You wanna go get comfy while I make up the sofa bed?" he offers.

She groans, tilting her head back dramatically. A Castle move, if he ever saw one. "But that means I have to get up."

He laughs. "Yes, yes, it does."

"Fiiiine," she draws out, swinging her legs to the floor. "I'll be right back."

She swipes her mouth against his in a kiss so brief he almost misses it.

"Thank you," she murmurs, grabbing her bag and padding off to the bathroom.

"For what?" he calls after her.

She pops her head back out, her shoulder lifting in a shrug. "Anything. Everything." And then she disappears behind the door.

While she changes, Castle heads to the linen closet and pulls out his spare sheets, pillows, and a couple of comfortably worn blankets.

The fact that he's sharing a bed with her tonight for the first time in two years makes him a little jittery — like he's had one too many shots of espresso in his coffee . He knows nothing will happen, especially not with their friends sleeping so close by, but it's still a step they can't exactly take back.

Not that he wants to. Having her back in his life again has been difficult, turned his life upside down once more, but the work has been worth it. With every day that he spends with her and all the brutal arguments and emotional moments they navigate, the gaping wound in his heart shrinks a little smaller.

He's just fluffing the pillows when she steps out of the bathroom, his heart ricocheting against his sternum at the sight of her in pajamas that are all too familiar to him. An oversized pink jersey tee falls enticingly off one tan shoulder, the drape of it nearly hiding the grey shorts she wears. She's finagling her hair into a loose bun atop her head when she stops in front of him, nudging his leg with her foot.

"You're staring," she hums, amusement dancing in her eyes. "Nothing you haven't seen before. Many times."

He swallows. "Just been awhile."

"Yeah," she agrees softly. She hesitates, a battle warring behind her steady gaze, before she lifts a warm hand to his cheek and presses her mouth against his in a tender kiss. He cups the back of her head with a broad palm, keeping her there as his head falls onto hers.

"You okay?" she asks gently.

"Yeah. Just," he sighs out. It's a lot. Them and this. Here together.

Her eyes flutter shut, her thumb smoothing against the stubble along his jaw. "I know."

"I should go get changed," he sighs out after a moment, making no such motion to move.

"You wanna resume our ferris wheel cuddling session while we watch TV?" she asks slyly, and he can't help the snort of laughter that escapes him, breaking up the heaviness of the moment.

"Absolutely."

* * *

She's totally fine until he walks out of the bathroom and then a wave washes over her and she starts to drown.

Kate shoves her slightly trembling hands beneath her thighs as he slides in next to her in a t-shirt and a pair of boxers. She wishes desperately that her brain would comprehend the situation, that she's just sleeping next to him for God's sake, something she's done a million times before. But it seems content to remain clueless, her body on the cusp of a full-on flight or fight response.

She doesn't move then, so he's oblivious to her internal battle as he settles into his side, fluffing his pillow (again) and straightening the covers. But then he's reaching for her, his eyes taking in the taut line of her body as his hands arrive at her vibrating limbs.

"Kate, you're shaking." His voice is high, too high. Now she's freaking him out, too.

She sucks in a deep breath, her eyes slamming closed. "I know." She swallows. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize," he says gently, finding his voice, so kind that it almost hurts. "How can I help?"

"I don't know," she admits, opening her eyes to meet his concerned gaze. "Can I just…" She feels hot, too hot as she clumsily clambers toward him, sliding her feet along his as she rests her head on his chest to listen to the calm beat of his heart.

Wordlessly, he wraps his arms loosely around her, lets her be as she wills the adrenaline pumping through her veins to slow.

"This is better," she sighs out.

"You've been anxious lately," he observes, and she knows he's recalling that first night when he'd had to practically carry her to the bathroom. "Is it new?"

"Yeah, it's...different," she says. "Not like the PTSD episodes I was having."

He shifts his head so he can look down at her. "You still have those?"

"Not really. Just the bad dreams that I wake up from sometimes," she replies. "The anxiety seems to be new. Really new."

"How new?"

She knew he was going to ask her that and there's no way for her to get around the truth. "Since I moved here," she admits.

"Oh."

"It's not _you_ , Rick. I think my system is overwhelmed. No matter what I try to force it to do…" she trails off, gathering her words. "It was so hard without you before and it was never supposed to happen that way. I never _wanted_ it to happen that way," the fingers of her right hand trail down his arm in soothing strokes. "I don't want to be without you ever again, and so I guess maybe I'm just putting all this intense pressure on it."

"Okay, well, stop," he says lightly, and it's exactly what she needs.

She chokes out a laugh and he manages a grin back at her, his broad palm rubbing circles at her back. Ungh, she can already feel the tension slowly slipping away. "Yeah, if only it were that easy."

He leans down, his nose sparking against hers before he kisses her. The sigh against her lips curls her insides. "I know it isn't," Castle murmurs. "And I know it's not a switch, either. I just hate to see you hurting."

"Maybe I deserve it," she blurts out.

He flinches. "Kate - "

"I'm not saying that to be a martyr, Castle. I've caused us both a lot of pain. And other then being without you for so long, which was pretty much self-inflicted, I haven't exactly paid the price for that."

He looks at her incredulously, his hands bracketing her jaw as he forces her eyes to remain on his. "You want to punish yourself?"

She rolls her eyes. "I don't _want_ to, but - "

He shakes his head. "No. That's ridiculous. We've suffered enough. _You_ 've suffered enough throughout your entire adult life, more than most people." His hands fall away from her face to scrub down his, exhausted. "I'm not okay with what you did, Kate, and I'm still having a hard time understanding it all, but punishing yourself isn't going to help us move forward or rebuild our trust in each other."

"No," she agrees slowly. "You're right."

" _This_ , what we're doing right now - talking. Showing up. _Putting in the work_ ," he echoes her words from years ago. "That's what we've been doing, what we'll keep doing."

"What we'll always be doing," she finishes.

"Yes."

She sighs against him, nuzzling into his chest. "Maybe I'll call Burke soon. He might have some breathing techniques or mindfulness exercises that will help with the anxiety."

She's been seeing the psychiatrist sporadically over the last several months, but it's been many weeks since she last spoke to him to have one last session before she packed her bags and moved out here. Truly, she should probably find someone out here to see, even semi-regularly, so maybe he'll have a few recommendations or connections to point her toward.

"That's a great idea," Castle says.

"I do have them sometimes," she teases with the roll of her eyes, the corners of her mouth twitching.

"You do," he chuckles, the light back to burning bright in his stare, licking a warm path through her body. His perfectly calloused hand brushes down her neck, slowly traversing the arc of her long spine, leaving her shivering under his touch. She smudges her mouth across his chest as she tries to tamp down the arousal percolating through her.

Goddamn, her body is really putting her through the wringer tonight.

But when she lifts her head, the longing in his eyes takes her breath away.. He still wants her, she observes as her fingers curl into the cotton of his t-shirt, and even if they won't act on that tonight or tomorrow or next week, the relief in it is overwhelming.

"You wanna watch TV?" he scrapes out hoarsely.

"Yeah," she manages shifting away from the black ink of his gaze to drape her head onto his shoulder, nestling into the crook of his neck. She dips her smile into his skin.

"Let's watch TV, Castle."

* * *

Kate wakes the next morning in nearly the same position she fell asleep in the night before. She cranes her neck to look at Castle, whose head is positioned away from her, his mouth still slack with sleep.

Hmm. Well, at least he moved to drool on his pillow instead of on _her_. Chuckling over the adorable, sleep-rumpled picture he paints, she kisses his cheek and slides slowly out of his arms and off the bed. Ooh, her body is already humming in anticipation of coffee.

Probably still a little drained from last night.

Oh, she's kinda hungry, too. And she's rarely hungry when she just stumbles out of bed. Maybe she'll make take stock of Castle's pantry and refrigerator, see if there's enough for her to whip up breakfast for everyone.

It's barely 8 a.m., early for Castle especially since he didn't get much sleep the previous night, so she tries to stay as quiet as she can while she patters around his kitchen. She was going to make pancakes but then she stumbled upon a Belgian waffle maker in the back of his cupboard, so that settled that.

She removes an entire carton of eggs from the fridge along with some fresh blueberries and strawberries she can cut up.

Now if she can just find the sugar, her mother's magic ingredient to the best waffles…

"Whatcha lookin' for?" a rough voice rasps in her ear, broad palms wrapping around her waist from behind.

Kate jumps. "Geez, Castle. Hang a bell around your neck or something, would ya?" But then she's spinning around in his arms to greet him a proper good morning.

"Hi," she says softly, chuckling as her eyes take in his unruly hair. "You look like you got a good night's sleep there, tiger."

He grins, dipping down to peck her on the lips. "I did, partially thanks to you."

She lifts an eyebrow. "Oh? Partially, huh?"

He narrows his eyes. "Mostly?"

"I mean, you can just go ahead and give me _all_ the credit, since I was the one who suggested you move to the couch in the first place," she points out.

"Okay, _fiiine_ ," he grumbles.

"And," she nudges her nose against his, "I'm making us breakfast."

His eyes light up. "Ooh. Waffles?"

"Yeah, speaking of, I was looking for the sugar…" she removes herself from his arms and turns back to the cupboards she was rifling through.

"Your search is over, Beckett. I'm right here."

She throws him a look over her shoulder. "Real cute, Castle."

"I know I am."

"If you're going to make corny jokes all morning, you can at least put yourself to work."

He salutes her. "Yes, Captain."

* * *

Minutes later, Kate hears the distinctive voices of her friends, along with two doors opening and closing.

"Yo, Mom and Dad are making waffles?" Esposito slides into the kitchen on a grin, spinning around to fist bump a sleep-rumpled Ryan who trails in behind him.

Kate laughs, pressing her smile into Castle's shoulder.

"Look honey, the kids are awake," Castle jokes, scrambling an egg on the stovetop.

Esposito pats his stomach. "And hungry."

Kate rolls her eyes. "Is Lanie still sleeping?"

"Yeah, I don't think she's been sleeping well the last couple of nights," he replies, reaching for the coffee mug.

Kate nearly chokes, sharing a knowing look with Castle.

Esposito's gaze darts between them. "What?"

"Nothing," they say in unison.


	13. Chapter 13

_Hey guys - sorry for the delay with this latest chapter. I was in New York celebrating a friend's wedding, but I'm back home now and updates will resume as normal. Thank you!_

* * *

They decide to separate for the day, since the boys aren't real keen on going to the beach and Kate isn't really in the mood for laser tag or the arcade. She kinda likes the idea of spending the day away from Castle, giving them a chance to miss each other. Not that she feels like they've had too much togetherness, but spending time with just their respective close pals is perfect for today.

And she's dying for a little one-on-one conversation with her best friend.

They pack up Castle's borrowed car and stop at the market for a few snacks and more of the canned wine Kate bought when she went with Castle.

Lanie, of course, doesn't miss a beat, observing right away that Rick's car doesn't exactly scream Kate Beckett.

"Are you renting this thing? Doesn't really seem like your style," her friend observes, buckling her seat belt after she places the bags in the back.

"It's Castle's," Kate says plainly. "I was renting one, but it was getting expensive and I won't get my police-issued vehicle until I start next week."

"So you asked your man to borrow his?" Lanie asks.

"No, he offered." Kate shifts the car into gear and pulls out of the Ralph's parking lot. Malibu is a little further than she wants to drive today, so she's taking them to a closer spot she's passed on the way to his place a couple of times — Will Rogers State Park.

"That was pretty generous of him," Lanie commends.

"Yeah," Kate agrees softly, letting it at that. She wants to tell the medical examiner how they've been doing, but without interruptions.

She'll wait until they hit the sand.

* * *

"So now that it's just us," Kate starts, smearing her bare shoulders with sunscreen, "I want to hear all about the proposal. Leave nothing out."

"Girl, you sure you wanna hear _everything_?" Lanie hedges. "There are a few R-rated details."

Kate chokes on a laugh, sliding her sunglasses up her face and through her hair. "Maybe leave those out. Did he propose to you in bed?"

"You know Javi. My man's not exactly known for romance." Lanie rolls her eyes. "It was really sweet, though. Poor guy couldn't stop stammering. I'm not sure I've ever seen him such a wreck."

"Was it how you imagined?"

"No. It was better," Lanie beams.

Kate settles her chin on her hand. "Sometimes I wish Castle and I had a do-over. He was _so_ serious - I thought he was breaking up with me."

Lanie winces. "Well, you guys haven't exactly been known for your timing."

Kate snorts. "If that isn't the truth."

"But you know," Lanie begins, a gleam in her eye. "Maybe you _could_ get a do-over."

Beckett frowns. "What do you mean? We're already married."

"Yeah, but you're rebuilding," Lanie points out.

"Right," Kate says slowly.

"And Castle's always been the one with the big romantic gestures and the flowery words. Which is fine, everyone has their own love language." Lanie shrugs. "But imagine how he would feel if you were the one to make a grand gesture."

"What are you getting at?"

"You know for a police captain, you can be so dense sometimes - "

Kate shoots her a glare.

"I'm not saying soon or anything, necessarily, but when you feel like you're both ready, maybe _you_ could propose to him and you guys could renew your vows or somethin'?"

Oh. That's -

Wow.

"I actually kind of love that idea," Kate admits, biting her lip. It would be _perfect_. Something intimate and romantic - a gesture she can make for a change.

"He would go crazy for it," Lanie agrees.

"Lane, I don't say this enough: You're a genius."

"Kate Beckett, tell me something I don't know." Lanie grins.

"Castle and I kissed last night?" Kate offers, her lips twitching.

"Shut up." Lanie swats her. "You waited until now to tell me? Was that your first kiss since you moved back?"

"First one in two years," Beckett confesses, her head falling onto her hands. "God, that sounds so awful."

Lanie winces. "Still, let's just live in the present and stay positive. How was it?"

Kate sighs, a flush working its way up her cheeks that has absolutely nothing to do with the hot California sun. "It was perfect. Like all the time had passed in the world and none at all."

"Sweetie, that's great."

"Yeah."

"And what about last night, the two of you sharing the pullout sofa?"

Kate hesitates. Lanie is her best friend, and she knows almost all of Kate's demons, but the anxiety she's been dealing with lately...only Castle knows about it.

Lanie's gaze narrows. "I know that look, Kate Beckett. You're thinking of keeping something from me."

Kate rolls her eyes. "Not _keeping_ it from you, necessarily. Just wasn't sure if I wanted to bring it up now. But if it means that much to you - "

"It does."

She slides her eyes away from her friend's, staring pointedly at the her fingers as they dance through the warm sand. "I've just been dealing with some anxiety," she swallows. "And it seems to be pretty situational."

"Around Castle?"

"Yeah." Kate nods. "And I feel awful about it - guilty. As if we're not going through enough, you know?"

"Have the two of you talked about it?"

"A little. I'm going to call Dr. Burke soon and see if there are any exercises he can give me, along with a recommendation for a therapist down here."

"Kate, look at me," her friend says gently.

Beckett swallows roughly, meets Lanie's gentle gaze.

"I know this isn't easy for you. Anyone who's gone through half of what you have would be a mess," Lanie says. "But it sounds like you're doing the right things, you know? You're on a good track - talking things out with Castle, getting some outside help."

"All things I _should've_ figured out, thought I _did_ figure out before we were married," Kate spits out.

"Nobody's perfect. And you screwed up big time, no one's denying that. But if Castle is willing to figure things out with you and slowly forgive you along the way, then I think you owe it to yourself to take a page out of his book and try to forgive yourself, too."

"Thanks, Lanie," she rasps, swallowing down her emotion.

Her friend grins. "Anytime."

* * *

After spending most of the afternoon reading on the beach, the pair are perfectly sun-kissed and primed for a rest before the boys get back. They'd planned to enjoy the evening at Castle's condo, order takeout and play a couple rounds of cards on the patio with some wine and beer.

After Kate showers, she slips into a pair of linen pants and t-shirt, piling her wet hair on top of her head so it'll dry in waves.

With Esposito gone and therefore eliminating any danger of Kate overhearing his and Lanie's sexcapades, she briefly considers napping in Castle's room, but it seems a little weird, even now. It's not her bedroom and she's really never even spent any time inside, other than a brief glimpse.

So she shoots Castle a message that she'll see him when he gets home before she collapses on the sofa she'd slept on last night, letting sleep pull her under.

* * *

It's just after six when Castle and the boys make it home, arms laden with cheap, overpriced toys from the arcade, bottles of tequila and hard lemonade, along with bags of steaming Mexican and Chinese food. Between the three of them, they'd been unable to settle on just one and they knew Lanie and Kate would be fine with either, so they'd made a few different stops.

"Bro, you planning on feeding a small army?" Esposito asks as Castle unlocks the door, shifting the bags into one hand.

"Espo, are you forgetting that I've seen how much you can put away?" Castle throws at his friend over his shoulder as he pushes the door open with his shoulder.

"He's got a point, Javi," Ryan agrees. Good ole Ryan. Castle can always count on him.

"Can you guys get the food settled in the kitchen? I'll be in in a second, I just want to check on Kate." The truth is, he didn't love the idea of being away from her today, not after last night. He knows she can take care of herself, but it didn't stop the worry from niggling in his head all afternoon.

In fact, it cost him what should've been an easy win against Ryan and Esposito, who seemed to be just as surprised as Castle was that they'd managed to beat a seasoned laser tag player like himself.

At least he sort of redeemed himself later at air hockey.

"Yeah. I wanna call Jenny, anyway," Ryan replies, taking one of the bags from Castle.

"You _just_ talked to her like 3 hours ago," Espo scoffs, shaking his head. Ryan trails after the Hispanic detective, muttering under his breath.

Castle bites back a laugh and shuffles into the living room. He wondered briefly if he'd find Kate in his bedroom, but he knows she wouldn't venture in there, not when she hasn't been in it with him yet. And although she looks adorably comfortable curled up on the couch, he wishes he'd had the foresight to let her know it was fine with him if she slept in his bed.

Castle settles down onto the floor, thankful for the carpet beneath his knees, and brushes the back of his hand gently across her face.

"Kate," he says, attempting to rouse her. She's never been much of a deep sleeper in the afternoon so it doesn't surprise him when she's shifting at the sound of his voice, humming as her eyes flutter opened to meet his.

"Hey, Castle," she smiles sleepily.

"Hey sleepyhead. Have a nice nap?"

She stretches like a cat, curling her arms behind her head. "Mmm, would've been better with you next to me."

He chokes on a laugh, pleased with it. "I brought you something."

Her eyes fall to the bag in his hands and she laughs, raspy with sleep. "Did you win me a prize, stud?"

"Not just any prize," he lifts the stuffed elephant out of the bag, and settles it on her stomach.

"Oh, Castle," she says softly, her hands lifting to run over the plush toy. "It's perfect." She lifts her head, a hand palming the back of his neck as she sweeps her mouth over his in a gentle kiss that curls his insides.

She brushes her nose against his. "Thank you," she whispers.

He smiles. "What are you going to name him?"

She hums, indulging him as she mulls it over. "I don't know. Does he have any special talents?"

"This one's not good with money, if that's what you're thinking."

Kate bites at her bottom lip, hiding a broad smile behind it. "So we can eliminate anything having to do with money. Got it."

"Elliot?"

Kate wrinkles her nose. "I expected better out of you, Castle."

He groans. "Me too. Let's pretend I didn't just throw that out there so carelessly." He'll blame it on his rusty writing skills.

"What about Rodger?"

Castle frowns. "As in Mr. without the S?"

Kate rolls her eyes. "As in your given last name without the S."

"Oh," he says dumbly. "I like it." He plucks at Rodger's trunk. "He does kind of look like a Rodger. Smart. Seasoned. Well-read."

Kate's eyes twinkle. "Right, that's exactly what I was thinking. Uncanny."

Castle narrows his eyes. "Mm-hmm. Why don't I believe you?"

She kisses his cheek. "Because you know me too well."

* * *

Even though Castle has been alone with the boys all day, he's unprepared when they accost him outside later when he's getting the card table set up on the patio while Kate and Lanie busy themselves making drinks for the group.

"Yo, are you ever going to tell us what's going on with you and Beckett?" Esposito asks, spinning a folding chair around so he can sit in it backwards, his arms folded across the top.

"Yeah, Castle. We've been dying to know. Spill," Ryan echoes.

"Guys, there's really not much to tell. I promise you."

"Dude, you shared a bed last night," Esposito replies.

Castle slides a deck of cards out of its pack. "And nothing happened."

"So are you together?" Ryan asks.

Castle drops the cards onto the table, cocks his head at his friends. Are they serious? "Did you guys fall out of bed this morning? We're _married._ "

Esposito scoffs. "Come on, Castle. You were _this close_ to a divorce and you guys have spent most of the last 2 years apart. It's not a ridiculous question."

Castle sighs. "We're working on things. Taking it slow. It was rough at first. Really rough," he swallows. "But it's been getting easier. Having you guys here has helped."

Esposito puffs out his chest. "Naturally."

Castle rolls his eyes. "I love Kate, that never changed. I'm...cautiously optimistic about our future," he says slowly. "Is that good enough for the two of you?"

"So defensive," Javi says to Ryan. "Clearly we're going to have to start pressing Lanie for the information since Writer Boy over here is staying so tight-lipped."

"Refuses to cooperate," Ryan nods in agreement. "We've seen it before with him, remember? Repeat offender."

"I think he's still bitter about losing so badly to us in laser tag today," Esposito whispers.

"You _know_ I can hear you, right?"


	14. Chapter 14

The next couple of days pass in a flash. Despite a couple of objections (from both Lanie and Ryan), the friends spend a day at Six Flags Magic Mountain, relishing in eight hours of roller coaster riding. Castle didn't expect Kate to love it as much as she did, but surprisingly, she was the one dragging him along to the steepest rides, even the ones that made his eyes widen, his heart fall into his stomach. He's a thrill-seeker with the best of them, but even he gets scared.

But just as Kate always had, she worked her magic on him, keeping her warm hand locked in his, never wavering.

They spend another day exploring the Getty, which Castle never grows tired of, no matter how many visits he makes. And this time, he had the privilege of cataloguing Kate's wide-eye wonderment of it all. He knew she would love it there and the glow in her cheeks and the spark in her gaze told him he wasn't wrong.

"Rick, this is incredible," she murmured to him later while they hid away from their friends for a stolen moment, standing at the Getty's overlook, as they gazed down into the glittering lights of the city.

His warm hand fell to the curve of her back, feeling the heat of her skin through her cotton blouse.

"It is," he agreed, kissing her forehead.

She looked up at him, a flush working its way over her cheeks. "Can we come back soon? Just the two of us."

He smiled. "It is kind of a romantic spot, hmm?"

"It is," she hummed softly, snaking an arm around his waist as she leaned her head into his chest, their gazes finding the irresistible landscape once more. He could've stayed there like that with her all night, but it was just a few minutes later than their friends finally found them. Castle couldn't even muster up a guilty look. Too content.

Now, it's their last day with the two detectives and the medical examiner, just three days before Kate is set to start with the LAPD. He feels her growing more distracted as the days go by. He knows that while she's anxious to get back to work, she's concerned about the change and what it will mean for the two of them.

He'd be lying if he said he wasn't worried, too.

* * *

Their friends have hit all the spots they wanted to, so Castle pulls Ryan and Esposito aside to ask them if they mind going to the beach - everyone - for their last day. It's where Kate feels the most at ease, near the soothing water, and they'll all have a great time, even if the boys aren't terribly keen on it at first.

"You do have a choice," Castle tells them. "I haven't mentioned the idea to Kate, yet, and I don't want you to be miserable on your last day here. Whatever we do should be fun for everyone."

Esposito shakes his head. "Bro, we're cool. Besides, we can't send Ryan back to New York looking like the ghost he was when he got here."

"Can we take an umbrella?" Ryan winces. "I might burn."

Esposito looks at him in disbelief. "You disgust me."

"It's my Irish skin!" his partner replies defensively. "Sunblock isn't enough to protect me."

Castle bites back a laugh, shares a look with Esposito. "Sure, we can rent one. No problem."

When he tells Kate about it later as they crawl into bed (or should he say couch), she eyes him suspiciously.

"Castle, if I'm not mistaken, Ryan and Esposito were pretty adamant about not wanting to go to the beach."

"They weren't _adamant -_ "

She rolls her eyes. "Okay, fine, they weren't _adamant_ , but they didn't exactly seem thrilled about the idea."

He shrugs. "We crossed everything off their want-to-do list and they'll want to be in bed early tomorrow night anyway because of their insanely early flight Saturday morning. What's better than a low-key day at the beach?"

"I can't think of anything," she admits reluctantly. Anything too far out will require too much time in the car and that's the last thing any of them will want before a day of traveling. "But can we at least get back early enough that I can make them dinner or something?"

"You sure? We can go out."

She shakes their head. "Other than breakfast, we haven't really cooked them anything this week."

He laughs. "I think that's okay, Kate."

She nudges her nose into his cheek. "I know it's okay, Castle. I just wanna do something nice for our friends." She sighs. "I don't want to take them for granted, you know?"

"Do you think they think that?"

She swallows hard. "I don't know, but it wouldn't be out of question. I think I _did_ , you know. Just like with you. Just shut them out and expected them to still be around later," she admits.

"Have you talked to them about this?" he asks. He hasn't really noticed any signs of strain between them, but they also haven't really discussed it.

"A little, but now that we're all here together…" she trails off. "It just seems like there's more to say...or do."

"In that case, can I offer you my sous chef expertise?" he says, puffing out his chest.

"Sure, space cowboy. Would love your assistance," she laughs, patting his chest. He captures her giggle with his mouth, swallows it down, keeps it for later.

* * *

He really misses his house in the Hamptons, he thinks to himself the next morning. He still owns it, still pays someone an absurd amount to take care of it when he isn't there, but he misses being right there on the water, quiet, and away from everything. He isn't exactly far from the ocean here, but it can still be bit of a schlep to get everything in the car, especially with a group this large, and it makes him long for before.

Maybe he can take a trip back a couple of times this summer, get together with his mother and Alexis. Hopefully Kate can make it at least one time, a few months down the road, if she's able to get time off that soon. He'll call his daughter this weekend, after Ryan, Lanie and Esposito have left, see if they can set something up for June and potentially Labor Day. Alexis had unsurprisingly been less than enthused about the prospect of Kate moving to LA to try to make their marriage work, but she'll understand…

Eventually.

"Ryan, did you remember your speedo?" Esposito grins at his own joke as he calls over his shoulder to the Irish detective trailing after him into the living room.

Ryan rolls his eyes. "I do _not_ wear speedos, Esposito."

"Why not? Castle does," Kate says completely seriously.

Castle whips around to face his wife. "Beckett, I do _not_."

She smirks. "I know, but it was totally worth it to hear your voice get all high."

He glowers at her and she laughs, smudging her lips against his. "Stud," she murmurs, soothing her tease.

"Mmm, you're just saying that," he hums, nudging his nose against hers.

"Ugh, I swear, don't you guys get enough of that when you're alone together at night?" Lanie enters the room, a wide-brimmed hat flopping over her face, sunglasses perched on the brim.

Esposito makes a face. "Is that new?"

She swats him.

Castle snakes an arm around Kate's waist. "Maybe Ryan would like to borrow it."

"Wow," Ryan draws out. "So betrayed - "

"All right," Kate interrupts, clapping her hands together. "Let's get this show on the road."

Castle takes them to a beach in Malibu near where he and Kate went on their first trip there. Parking is still a nightmare, as per usual, so he drops them off with all their stuff before leaving to park somewhere else.

"I'll get the umbrella on my way down," he tells Kate as she unbuckles her seatbelt, the last one to get out.

"Do you want some help? I can stay with you while we park the car and they can find a spot to sit," she says, nudging her head toward the shoreline.

He shakes his head. "We brought a lot of stuff, so probably better if you help them lug it over there."

They definitely brought _way_ too much stuff. They arrived at the beach early so they could leave in the late afternoon, soon enough to get back in time for them to make dinner for everyone. In the car, they packed a large cooler filled with drinks, fruit and veggies, a few bags filled with chips and pretzels, towels for everyone, books, magazines, sunscreen, beach chairs, and a couple of games.

Castle has been eager to play spikeball, even though Kate thinks it's the most asinine thing ever.

"You literally spike a ball at a _trampoline_ , Castle," she said, rolling her eyes when he picked it up from the store. "Why not just play volleyball instead?"

"Beckett, this is all the rage. Don't you wanna be cool?"

She stared at him blankly. "Are you kidding me right now?"

"Uh...no?"

She threw the ball at him.

Yeah, she'll probably be sitting that one out, but he's sure that at least Ryan and Espo will play with him.

"I'm leaving your stupid trampoline ball game in here," she says as she steps out of the car, closing the door behind her. She messes the name up on purpose, this he knows.

"Kate," he whines.

She leans on the open passenger side window, watching his little tantrum with amusement sparkling in her eyes as she leans her chin on her hand.

"You done?"

"That depends."

She lifts an eyebrow. "On?"

"Whether or not you're messing with me for the millionth time today."

"Are you asking me for mercy, Castle?"

"Hell no."

She laughs, pulling her sunglasses down over her eyes. "I didn't think so. I'll get your game, you big baby."

"Don't forget the game, boys!" she calls to the back of the car where their friends have already begun pulling items out of the trunk. "Otherwise, Castle will never let me hear the end of it."

"We got your back, bro," Esposito says.

"At least someone does," Castle grumbles.

"I heard that!"

Of course she did.

She wasn't even _going_ to play until Esposito goaded her into it and Kate's never been one to back down from a challenge. Even teamed up with Ryan (who isn't great, to put it mildly), Kate easily beats Esposito and Castle, barely breaking a sweat before she leaves them with a grin on her face, bounding down the shore to cool off in the water.

He can't help but let his eyes trail after her, and it strikes him all of a sudden how so very different they are now from the last time they were here together, despite it only being a couple of weeks ago now. Having their friends here has made a huge difference, which surprised him, and he wonders if the strain between them will return once they leave. The buffer gone.

"Writer Boy, you with us?" Esposito asks.

Castle shakes his head. "Sorry, just...thinking."

"Spill, Castle," Ryan commands.

He rubs the back of his neck. "Things between Kate and I were...kind of tense before you guys came into town."

"I think that makes sense, Castle. You were apart for a long time," Ryan replies.

"Yeah," he agrees. "But after the three of you joined us, it just became so much easier. I mean, we still have our moments." Kate is still dealing with anxiety, is what he doesn't say. "But the dynamic is strong."

Espo raises an eyebrow. "And what? You're worried it'll go back to the way it was after we leave?"

"Yes," he admits. "What if we don't know how to be with each other without that familiarity?"

Esposito snorts. "Bro, no offense, but that's the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard."

Castle makes a face. "What do you mean?"

"You and Beckett aren't getting along well just because the three of us are here. Don't get me wrong, I think it helped nudge you guys to a better place, ya know, having that buffer, but you're gettin' along well because you're _talking_."

"Yeah," Ryan agrees. "Weren't you just telling us yesterday about your conversation at the pier the other night at dinner? The whole kids thing?"

Esposito nods. "And Lanie was just telling me that you've both been talking through Beckett's anxiety."

"Yeah, that's not nothing, Castle," Ryan says.

They _have_ been talking more, he realizes now. Less afraid to deal with all the baggage between them. And watching Esposito and Lanie come together finally has only made him miss Kate and everything wonderful that they had between them.

 _Have_ between them.

"I don't say this often, but I think you're right," Castle admits.

Esposito shoots him a look. "Of course we are."

* * *

 _Ugh, guys, I know this one was late, too. Been struggling hard with depression lately (the state of the world isn't helping either), but I promise I'm trying. Will hopefully have the next chapter up in less than a week before I travel home for vacation. Appreciate your patience, as always._


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